Finally, Sachpal gave me something to do! You're an Angel, Pal... only on certain days.

1. Society states that love alone can make a person happy. What is your opinion about it?

I wish it could. But then, love like all emotions is irrational, unquantifiable and abstract. (So is happiness, but that's another GP essay). Love has several degrees and dimensions, not to forget connotations, so I personally think that such a vague question deserves a vague answer.
I don't agree with Pal that love + money is the answer. You could be the Queen of England (I'm sure she's loved by at least some) and still not be happy.
Happiness itself is not something that can be generalised. What makes you happy? Chatting with your best friends? Seeing a baby smile? Receiving a compliment? Scoring straight As? Playing Warcraft 3? Your pet hamster? Sex? ... There isn't one answer, there isn't even a correct answer, furthermore what satisfies you changes with time (and if you allow me to ramble even further I'll start bring in the Marginal Utility Theory). This is the problem with creating statements that are just too general.
It's a roundabout debate because there aren't enough parameters. But I won't discount love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

2. What is your take on portraying a false image?

I don't think anyone wants to portray a false image intentionally. It all boils down to acceptance, even now there are still bits and pieces of me I can't accept, so I wear masks. Many people have double personalities. Sometimes I think I have triple, quadruple, quintuple... Is that a false image? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like a matter of survival. Our peer environments can be so hostile and no one wants to feel left out.

3. Life has become more like a rat race in this century.

Rat race is Western. Here we call it kiasuism. Aye, I totally agree. Everyone is biting and clawing their way to the top... and I'm being pulled along by the current as well... Somedays I feel like I can only hold my head up high because I got great SPM results, or because I was an ASEAN scholar, or because I was in RJ or because I got into an Ivy League and a top UK university, or because I'm going to attain a proffesional degree in Engineering and not some fluffy social science degree (sniff!)... but where am I going to hide my face when God says that all those things don't count on judgement day?

4. Some say premarital sex is bad. What is your opinion?

Seeing how marriage as an institution is slowly disintegrating... I don't know. I don't condemn it, I don't condone it. It's a matter of whether you can handle it...

5. Pornography. Good or Bad?

Haha... this is bloody controversial. Pornography puts alot of pressure on sex and satisfaction, etc. etc. But some guys say it's educational (*rolls eyes*). Whatever! It gives you guys (and some girls) kicks and as long as you're not out there commiting crimes later on... and you don't really believe that sex is as good as it looks on tv!

6. What’s you take on death? What about personal feelings regarding death?

There's only one thing about death that scares me... would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in Heaven?

7. What are your comments about society?

I live in a happy little society where everyone looks out only for their own interest. They criticise the authorities for not looking out for them but don't even know their next door neighbour's name. They demand the rights of a developed nation (higher salaries, shorter working days) while simply forgetting that there are regions in this country with no telephone lines or water utilities yet. They want quick profits with minimum effort. They want short cuts to everything, even if its education. And especially if they are not bumiputeras they believe they owe the system nothing since the system worked against them from the start.
*cough*
Sorry, got carried away. But my society isn't that bad if you ignore it's flaws.

8. What are the important criteria you look for in a guy/girl?

Curly hair isn't one of them. *glare*. I think it would be that I have to feel completely comfortable with him, that I can tell him anything and he won't think less of me (even when I tell him about all the terrible things I've done to other guys, or when he discovers that I can be a nasty, stubborn little twerp). And most importantly I have to feel that I can be myself in front of him, no masks, no pretense... just me. Oh and if he's a snag (or even pretends to be... YOU tricked me!), he won't need a magnet!

9. Friends. Are they important?

Yes! You don't need a rocket scientist to tell explain that to you!

10. Lastly, what are your observations regarding people around you? (E.g. neighbourhood, university, etc.)

I thought I answered a similar question above? Oh well, I don't know. The only people I see nowadays are my mum, my dad, my bro and my sis. They are all generally nice people.
My neighbourhood is really quiet. Next door is a family with 4 boys (aged between 24 and 6) and my siblings and I make more noise than they do (of course we have the advantage of owning a piano, a violin, 4 guitars, a stereo system and well developed lungs).
My college... LOL... no, you don't want me to get started on my college, please! Lets just say that in 20 years time if you gave me a list of the most successful people in the world, I gurantee you most of them would be my college mates. I'm just hoping my classmates will still remember me and how I helped them with their essays when they become premier of China.

What prep label are you?

I'm very bored... oh so very bored...

I have a wish
That purple clouds
And jewel crusted stars
Would always exist
Knowing I’ve come this far
I’m stirring storms
Walking on fire
And yet I’d do it all again
If sleeping on thorns
Flying much higher
I can’t feel the pain
And I’d keep on going
Course there’s a savage beauty out there
And joy won’t taste
So sweet without the bitterness

Plain ramblings... I was drunk or similar...

Which Smallville character are you?


hmm... hehe... this is why i'm just charlotte sometimes...

Boredom inflicts
The night skyline
With its enticing spectrum
Of puffy sunsets
And seduces me
In whispers to leave my desk
And haunt nigh for life!

I bounced out of bed at 7 am this morning after going to sleep at 2am last night. Monday mornings are gym mornings where my mum drags me to the gym to try and eradicate the fat in my thighs which she claims have become even fatter since I skipped last Monday's workout. Where does she get her bionic eyesight from that somehow notices diameter changes in my thighs, because I obviously never inherited it from her!

So I was doing squats (which I believe are terrible for my knees but my mum says its a sure fire way for obtaining cameron diaz type legs... ever noticed how sure fire ways never work, mum?) when this lady in her 50s called Aunty Sarah pushes her amazing rings of spare tyres through the doors of the gym and nearly blinds me with her psychedelic gym outfit. I swear there should be a ban on people displaying oozing fat beneath purple tank tops, white tights, shocking pink socks and a turquoise scarf (SCARF??? Who wears scarves in a gym???). As I was reaching squat number 15, Aunty Sarah approached me and loudly proclaims: xiao mei, ni si huan F4, dui bu dui? na, wo gei ni zhe ge F4 tissue packet... ni kan, piao liang ma? ni si huan na ge? (translates as: little girl, you like F4 right? nah, i give you this F4 tissue packet... you see, beautiful or not? which one do you like?)... I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe, but I hear you can die slowly from suffocation if anyone more than twice your weight sits on you... so I decided to smile and accept the tissue packet. For that, she also tossed in a photo of one of those F4 gays free of charge. I'm beginning to rethink whether going to the gym is a good thing or not...

After giving up on eradicating fat, I went down to the library and picked up the latest issue of Cleo. Oh, look, Cleo's Most Eligible bachelor has been announced. Turns to page. AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! It's one of my dentists!!! No way! No WAY! And... ew! He's definitely NOT photogenic! He looks so much better in real life!

And to cap off the day, I spent the afternoon and evening with Sugi and the ensemble of Sachpal, Jere and Prashant. Laugh, people, laugh! I think I am certifiably completely numb to guys and their derogatory comments. Bbians will be bbians will be bbians.

*Pigs wave at no one in particular... no one in particular... parallel or perpendicular...*

Old friend,
Did time ever tell you
Our paths would one day intertwine
And we’d step in line
In this valley of sunshine
Between mountains of gloom
If you could look into
The looking glass
Would you have known
You’d find someone
Just like you
On the other side
Waiting and wishing
For a heart that would listen
And a smile that won’t fade
Did I just only meet you?
Time must have several dimensions
Because I’m sure I’ve known you
All along…

Charlotte Yeow is worth exactly $1,827,560.00
Can you afford me?

Newsflash: Greg got into NUS Medicine!! *beam*
Charm got Law
Baa got Engineering
Hooi Ying - Law
Kuan Yen - Comp Eng
Me - Engineering (but like everyone says... not like it really matters)
Well it damn well matters! What if UK comes down with some SARS like epidemic? At least I'll have somewhere to go to.

I finished off my Paper 1 and Paper 2 for Econs today, hand hurts... I now remember what I didn't like about humanities subjects... all that writing! Not like numbers. Short and sweet! 1 + 1 always equals 2... unless we're talking about linear spaces... ouch *headache*


Down the same path
I’ve walked before…
Treading on similar cracks
But I can see the sun
Through each glistening
Foliage of leaves
That leaves me wondering
Should I walk on?
Each step
Till my heart says yes
To a new journey
Down this old, old road
I’ve forgotten the way
Forgotten whether it was
Friend or foe
Beckoning me to go
I can’t
Can’t tell
So let it bring me there again
I don’t
Can’t care
As long as you are
Walking it with me

Had an unexpectedly good time at the ASEAN scholars reunion hosted by the Singapore High Commissioner (Who is a Rafflesian and reminds me of **Vivian Balakrishnan... I have always had an aversion to Vivian Balakrishnan since having had the misfortune of listening to his politically correct speeches at several functions)
The food was actually good! After all the crap Singapore fed me for 2 years, I was pleasantly surprised by the spread of roast lamb, popiah, char kuay teow, rojak, nonya kuih and ice kacang. Three cheers for the High Comm for having had the foresight to employ Malaysian caterers! With the exception of having misheard someone say "try the clams. Its good" when they actually meant "try the LAMB" and thus I spent quite a while searching for non-existent clams, I was pretty satisfied.
And the meeting up with old friends was the best part! There was so much to talk about: "What have you been doing?" "Are you working?" "Where are you going?" "What will you be studying?" "Are you going back to Singapore?" "So is your curly haired boyfriend in OCS?"
Ok, only one person asked the last question, and proceeded to hound me about it the whole night. I refuse to talk to YOU anymore!
Meeting Aseans from ages ago was cool too! There were people there who were scholars even before I was born!!
I went home with a mild headache though... a result of gulping down half a glass of red wine in my hurry to talk to Ling (whom I hadn't seen since I moved out of Eton hall a year and a half ago). When will I learn that the golden rule is to sip not gulp? Ow...
And I really hope no one attributed my gabbering away non-stop to the copious amounts of alcohol in the room... but as one senior said "Drink up! Singapore paid for our education, so why shouldn't we just milk them dry on the alcohol too?" (I noticed too that his face was very red and that he seemed a little unsteady...)


** Vivian Balakrishnan is an up and rising Singaporean politician who's in a perfect position coming from a mixed parentage (read: racial intergration), well educated (read: a successful product of the Singaporean education system), charming (read: always politically correct) and in line to take over from the Gohs and Lees of the last generation. And yeah, Vivian is a HE.

I can't tell the difference between a good Econs paper or a bad Econs paper... after all I've only been studying the subject for the last 5 months! So, I can't really tell how I fared in today's paper at all. Not too badly I hope. God, if you're listening now, I still would like that C please... really!

Tonight I will be attending a dinner at the Singapore High Commission, hosted by the Singapore High Commissioner. The attire says smart casual/working attire, and I don't know what to wear! I can never figure out this smart casual thing. My mum says I have a cupboard choked full of smart casual stuff. Where, mum? Because I don't see anything casual enough to be smart or smart enough to be casual. I've got plenty of casual casual stuff (spag straps, sports tops, day dresses, jeans, jeans and oh... here's a pair of khakis), and i've got formal formal stuff (long skirts, gowns)... but where are my smart casual clothes???

And how dare you ditch me now, mum, and go shopping at Little India when I have an important function tonight??!! Tsk! Priorities!!!

[plucked out from random readings... which I should avoid the night before Econs Paper 4]
Many, if not most, teenagers write poetry. Most of it is bad. Fortunately, this poetry, like many communicable childhood diseases such as mumps, chickenpox and measles, afflicts its authors for a short time and then they are forever immune to the pathogen. Of course, these "poems" are sincere, but as Oscar Wilde advised us, "all bad poetry is sincere." These “journals” - notebooks filled with angst, self-loathing, raging egotism and cryptic marginalia - are then shut forever, packed away in mom and dad’s attic, forgotten, and if there is any justice in the universe, eventually incinerated.

[To read more : Stupid Poetry, Arrogant Poets]

ps: Erm... on second thought, had better credit the link to Grace.

pps: Also remembered that the mug x 12 - coffee thing also belongs to Grace.

Aaaaahhhh!!!
Econs Paper 4 tomorrow!!!
Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug ... Coffee?
*giggles*

I'm going nuts
Pray for me!

I’m living fine on the outside
Not telling you what’s really going on inside
This mind
This heart
Wish they weren’t two worlds apart
This time I’ll try
But forgive me ‘cause I
I’ve forgotten how to let my heart fly
You can’t save me
There’s too much of this wicked world under my skin
It doesn’t hurt me,
But I know it’s there…

When you feel there's too much of the real world in you, you begin to become numb, forget yourself and your pain and your real thoughts... and eventually become ditzy (that's ditzy not dizzy) - I'm the final product right before you. Sunshine and june bugs. I'm NOT living in de nile... I've just blocked it out of my memory. Really, I'm NOT!!

Hurt me

Cruel words
Blistered courage
Live your way; face to the ground
I’m broken down
The sky’s grey motif
Doesn’t help
As if it’s goading you on…

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

Spent the whole morning reading the papers instead of studying (come on! get your fat ass off the couch and start force feeding yourself on National Income...grrrr... ooh! I give up!)
Some very good articles caught my eye. Take the time to read it, if you please...
Picking friends from war rubble by Bunn Nagara - very insightful, very concise... a little tongue in cheek "take that you star spangled bush hugging idiots!" but VERY diplomatic!
Good that Singapore Dream is over by Laurel Teo - if you, like me, understand Singapore's 5 Cs (Cash, Credit Card, Car, Condo and Career... did I get that right?) you can smile at this article. If you don't, never mind... we KL-ites can relate to it too. (By the way, this article is from Singapore's Straits Times)
Ipoh City Council not a 'moral guardian' by Wong Chun Wai (heh, almost similar to my class rep's name... Wong Cheong Wai... er... he was Wong wasn't he?) - Yay! Someone who agreed with me, albeit for a slightly different reason.
Happy reading

Aargh!!! Hit Me Baby One More Time is playing incessantly on the PS2! My sister and her friends are jumping around on some PS2 dance mat thing, and I swear that Britney Spears' back is feeling the brunt of all my curses right now, because I cannot force feed a chapter on Labour Markets into my head in one hour when a ghastly sore-throaty "Oh baby, baby" is resounding from down stairs!!! My MP3 player is also on a vengeance today. Too lazy to configure a playlist, I've let it randomly pick songs off my entire list, and today it's gotten addicted to N*Sync and 98 Degrees!! I'm tired of pressing the 'next' button. Now it's playing Dido... and that's really depressing. I like Dido at any other time. But 4 days before an Economics paper? That's suicidal.
Song reverberating through my head at the moment is Gordon Lightfoot's 'If you could read my mind'. Catchy in a melancholic way...

Look again

Notice…
That the sun rises a little higher now
The grass blades painted a brighter shade of green

Unknown before…
The sweet morning song of sparrows
The soothing lilt of the wind

Smile now…
At the joyful dance of raindrops
And the taste of sweet air on the tip of your tongue

Look now at the same world
Standing on the other side of the looking glass
With the sun on your side, we are one…

The first step is always acceptance.

I'm waging a war on TV3. They cancelled SCRUBS! How. Can. They??? Don't they know they shouldn't pull a series with loyal followers off the air waves without any warning? Ooooh!!!! TV3, feel my wrath!!!
(like hell, what really can I do? Puny little viewer me)

Why Charlotte Sometimes...?
quote Jewel:
Sometimes it be that way

This article appeared in the Star today
Student to sue over summons

My initial reaction on reading it was "You mean that's not allowed?"
I don't really know what the laws on PDA are in my own country. I've heard one of two things from friends like you can't make out in a car or kiss in public parks... but hey, I thought those were rumours!!! You mean to say you guys weren't kidding me all this while???

When I was in Singapore, PDA was accepted (I said accepted NOT encouraged!) everywhere! Buses, MRTs, parks, along Orchard Road, at any time you could see couples, holding hands, hugging, kissing, NORMAL displays of affection and no police officers come running up to you to tap you on the shoulder (and this IS a big deal in the country where you'd be damned to drop a sweet wrapper on the floor). My guess is that Singapore's uptight and rule crazy officials are closing one eye on this matter due to the declining rate of the Singapore population (i.e: Singaporeans are not producing enough Singaporean babies!). Coupled with the new 'Romancing Singapore' scheme (I'm serious! It's a really government scheme!), you won't see PDA being wiped out anytime soon.

So imagine my surprise to come back to this country and find that the rules of the game here are just not the same. Last December, Greg and I went to KLCC to have lunch with my cousin Ming Yin and her boyfriend Adrian (both studying in Melbourne Uni). While waiting for Ming to show up, Greg and I noticed that we were the only couple holding hands. Unless it was "Celebrate Single-hood" day, there really could be no reason for every guy and girl we saw walking together to be in a platonic relationship! It was really unnerving to see such a conservative sight! It wasn't until Ming appeared arm in arm with Adrian that I felt like I wasn't in the twilight zone anymore.

Did I miss out something when they were handing out the rules on dating ettiquette? We all know how I'm a by-the-book freak!

A whirlwind just passed
Took my life with it
And turned it upside down
And now it laughs at me
As it watches me
Slowly piece back the pieces
Into their unfamiliar slots
But there’s one missing picture of you
And I’m afraid I’ll forget
It was ever there in the start

Ditto yesterday's poem

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!! Sorry, no surprises like last year. Can't take a bus down and appear at your army camp only to hear you say "I knew you'd do that!". No great presents like last year's climbing shoes, no romantic dinners and basically - no me! I know I can't make up for it and it kills me that it's going to be like that for the next 5 or 6 years... and maybe even forever. But I'm not going to dwell on that right now. Have fun in your last teenage year! And if anything goes wrong on your special day, I'll make up for it by loving you more!

I did some crazy things today
I spent RM32 posting Greg's birthday present to him... and that cost more than the present itself!
I drove the wrong way down a one way street, got stuck for 20 minutes (it seemed that long to me), caused a major bottle neck jam.
I killed 10 mosquitoes in my car alone. My mum left the window down last night.
I sat down and studied econs for 3 hours. I finished 1 major chapter. The first one. The easiest one. Tonight I'll look into elasticities.

In reply to the poem on Daryan's blog... Love is that great mystery that makes us accept everything unconditionally... even ourselves.


No one feels the silence
But you’re gone
Like a silver breeze vanishing…
Melting away…
Melting me
Cause I don’t know why
The emptiness hurts more than pain
And I want to know why
If you weren’t going to stay
Why did you come into my life at all
So now I’ll laugh lonely laughs
And talk lonely talks
There’s no one here to break the silence
It’s become too familiar now you’re gone


It's funny how you can get so attached to people after knowing them only for a few months. Maybe its because they were the only things you could find refuge in. This is for Zi Shen and Anthony.
Zi Shen, who always called me aunty, who made me laugh at jokes so corny they would make a jagung blush, who never let any of the girls walk to or from school alone, who played badminton with me even though I was as lousy as crap, who was our unspoken leader and beacon of light, who left to take up a JPA scholarship so that he could go to Stanford... and there he is now...
Anthony, our dear gentle giant, with his umbrellas in case he ever got the chance to shield a fair damsel from the rain, and apple strudels for bribing us, whose piano playing awed us, who'd get the girls our soups during dinner then declare that he'd never marry any one of us before walking off haughtily, who left to take up a JPA scholarship because he wasn't happy in Singapore, who's going to become a doctor instead of the musician he always wanted to be...
I missed you guys all the time I was in Eton. The void you guys left made me throw myself totally into ODAC, because I couldn't bear going back to the hostel, knowing I'd be alone, that there wouldn't really be anyone to talk to or laugh with. Luckily things got better as time went on. I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Here's a poem by Hooi Ying, its a pity you guys didn't get the chance to read it before you left:

JUST A FLEETING MOMENT

When first we came to this peculiar place,
And got to know each other,
We thought we would spend our nights and our days,
Together in the next two years.

There were some difficulties that we weathered,
Some roads we travelled together ,
But later you decided,
That another path was better.

The halls will never again sound,
With your voices or laughter,
But still sweet memories abound ,
Of the times we were together.

Was it chance that brought us over,
From places miles apart,
Is it fate that keeps us together,
Or deems that we should part?

But let us not think of what might have been,
And wipe from our hearts the sorrow,
We shall each pursue our individual dreams,
For a better and brighter tomorrow.

- Looi Hooi Ying, ASEAN scholar


This is dedicated to:
Lye Theng Pui Man Meng Wai Big Grace Chun Hong Ming Hoong Kian Hong Sylvia
Wee Siong Peter Bong Chao Hong Mong Peng Sing Eek

Not forgetting:
Zi Shen Anthony

And all who went back.

I feel the night calling my name
In sweet serenade
Seducing in whispers
As my thoughts fade away
It knows I am weary…
Yes it knows I am weak…
Luring me in its darkness
Of dreams and sleep

I used to come back from college really tired after late training and long dinners and then turn to my work with only half my mind on it and eventually fall asleep before I'd even started on my assignments.

The depression bug is in the air...
It's hovering nearer and nearer and I'm afraid it will land on me.
In just the span of a week I've spoken to or e-mailed more than 5 people who've been feeling out of sorts, and even though you might think that depression is contagious, ironically it has cured me of the beginning of MY own depression because I tend to put my troubles out of the picture and listen to what my friends have to say. And after that I completely forget why I was even feeling down in the first place. Thank God for my really short memory span!

Today while I was outside Taylors after my econs class, a girl approached me and asked if I would take part in a survey on SARS. I thought it must be one of those college project things (Moral related and usually not worth the effort for the grade) but I was in a good samaritan mood so I agreed. The survey was a really simple questionaire and I breezed through the SARS questions, however the last question caught me by surprise:
"If you were given the chance to accept Jesus in your life and to get to know him, would you? Yes, No or Maybe?"
My first thoughts were: uh-oh... it's one of those Christian recruitment things! Get me out of here!
And sure enough the girl began to ask me stuff like which college are you from? Oh I don't study here, I'm a foreign student. Oh, where are you from? Singapore (Hey! I was telling the truth! I'm not a local student and I did study in Singapore) So do you know Jesus? I'm a Christian (Or do you NOT recognise a crucifix when you see one? It's hanging around my neck for heavens sakes!) And which church do you go to in Singapore? Holy Cross. Well I'm from the Sea Park Baptist Church, and I'm from *(--some group or other, I don't remember the name--)*. Well that's nice (Oh no!! She's a Baptist! Don't mention the word Catholic!). I'm also involved in my college's Christian society and I used to be on the commitee for my schools Catholic group (NO!!! I said the word Catholic!!! I'm dead meat!) Oh, so do you say prayers to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour? Er, well I obviously have to since I had to lead my own Christian society. (I mean, no I don't have to accept Jesus in order to help other people believe in him, is that what you are trying to say?) And so you studied about Jesus all your life? Er, yeah... since I was born (HELLO??? I'm a Catholic! Cathechism classes are serious business in the Catholic Church! We've been brought up on a strict diet of Catholic rules since the day we were born!) So when did you accept Jesus? When? I can't exactly say when! It's not something that happens at a moments notice. Well, you know alot of Christians don't really accept Jesus and *blah blah blah... please insert your own patronising words here pointing towards the fact that I am a unrepentant Christian who takes my religion for granted... blah blah blah* Oh, I'm sorry, I think my relative is here to pick me up. Gotta go. But thanks! And keep it up!
I quickly ran to my mum's car, and only when I got in did I realise: Damn! She conned me! She made me do a survey on SARS but ended up trying to convert me! Hello? That's cheating!!!
Look, I don't advocate mass conversion. I don't believe in going out there and pulling people to church. I think people should stop knocking on my door and waving the Bible at me and asking "When was the last time you met God?". I meet Him everyday, thank you very much! And if you really want to spread the word of God, its not going to come out clearly just by catching unfortunate victims on the street and preaching to them about your gracious Lord and saviour. No, it really doesn't work that way. I think the only way is to live your life in a normal but Christian way. Actions speak louder than words anyday. I remember a Sunday school teacher saying: people are attracted by our actions, not by how loud or long we preach. And I say Amen to that!

Cold

It feels cold
The night breeze rushes in
Running its cold fingers
Through my soul
But it can’t grasp it
Because my soul is
a thousand miles away
Where hot breezes blow
And night kisses never cease
But its just a mocking fantasy
I won’t go back, can’t go back
Though
It feels colder here…

(09/04/01)

It was really literally cold in Singapore. I lived in an air conditioned room and had to take baths without hot water on rainy days and after returning from training late at night. It's no fun having to take a cold bath and then trying to dry your hair in an air-conditioned room. Most nights I'd be so tired I'd just fall asleep, wet hair and all...

Yesterday my mother's old college friend commited suicide. She was the founder of the Petaling Jaya Community Centre, a place where I regularly go with my mum to discard old junk items that we no longer use. My mum's friend always somehow found a use for them, or else recycled them. I've only met her once or twice, but her absence has permeated my entire house. My parents old college mates are ringing non-stop and of course gossip is in the air as to the reason for suicide.
Suicide strikes a very real fear in me. No I've never attempted it, never even thought of it. But those dark form 2 days have left a scar on some of us that will never rub off, that will leave us cold everytime we hear of suicide, that will make us cynical everytime someone mentions they might try it, that will force us to try and forget the pain and fear we felt thinking it might happen, and the anger we felt in the end.
And at the end of the day... life is worth every minute of living it!

Rainbows (09/04/01)

Do you see rainbows?
Not me, not yet,
Not in this place…
Which has turned cold and grey
I know they exist
In some forgotten sphere
But the key to that realm
Have I consciously lost
In my struggle to remain cold and grey
Have I forgotten my soul?

I think I made a mistake. I thought yesterday was the 20th. I'm sorry Shaun. Here. I'll wish you again for a second time.
Happy Birthday Shaun - You Mad Monkey You!

ahem!

It's so hot today I believe heaven is having a baking spree. I'm already stripped down to a tank top and old school short... any less and I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. I used to do that in my single room in my hostel on sweltering hot afternoons until someone told me it's against the law to walk around undressed in your own home. Considering that the hostel wasn't really my 'home' and Singapore's obsession with fining people I decided it wasn't worth the risk.

Ode to Sylvia

Skies don’t turn blue on their own,
She said
I like to make mine
A brilliant shade of pink
I’m not indebted to traditional favour
I just don’t give a damn
What they think

I looked to the heavens
At its rosy hue
And shared with it a sorry sigh
Then the clouds moved in
And the rain conquered all…
… and all she could do was cry

Alas foolish one,
Skies are beyond our dreams
Con our souls not…
It’s the hard truth
And when it storms
Why turn your back on blue skies
They may prove the better
For you…

(27/03/01)

Sylvia was one of my first 3 room mates when I moved into Eton Hall (the desecrated hostel of evil, the dungeon of despair, the... sorry, got carried away). Since she was my only room mate who wasn't from China we hit off immediately. We were both Catholic, from girl schools and we even had the same Chinese names! But, Sylvia was different. Not just different from me, but a distinctly different person from the rest of the scholars at Eton. She was a part of the 30 scholars who were sent to St. Andrews Junior College (a BIG contrast to the teeny group that consisted of 9 'elite' Raffles scholars).
Ok, take it from me... surviving the ASEAN scholar ordeal isn't easy. If I had to publish a book on tips to surviving the nightmare that is junior college in Singapore it would run along the lines of...
Rule no. 1: Try to fit in. I don't mean become completely Singaporean, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Individualism isn't meant to be cultivated in Singapore (unless you're from RJ Humanities...)
Rule no. 2: Don't complain. Even if you think you deserve better, be happy with your lot and move on. Nobody cares about you alone... everything is for the good of the whole society. It's a utilitarian society here!
Rule no. 3: Don't break rules. This is the country of rules galore and challenging them will gurantee you a one way ticket home.
Sylvia broke all three rules and more, and her scholarship offer was withdrawn after 3 months on the grounds that she could not cope with life as a scholar. I agreed with them. I had pleaded with her to stop alienating her classmates and the St. Andrews scholars, to try and like her college, to stop going to the guys rooms and staying in there till after midnight, and to stop wishing she was in Raffles because all the glamour is not what it seems. I guess it was all useless when I came back from school one day to find a note on my table with Sylvia's last goodbye. But I know she's still keeping her chin up, maybe living in a world that is more accepting of individuals like her.

I've got a new shopping list out!
Things I need to do:
1. Replenish my supply of sunblock. KL weather is now set on sizzle and fry!
2. Get nice aromatherapy soap (especially the kind that will alleviate my headaches and compliment my panadol)
3. Oh yeah, get panadol.
4. Buy evenescence cd (alternative might be to drop by Sugi's house and download it since she has broadband... hmm...)
5. Check if Sugi is free and in good mood, then drop by her house on pretext of being a good friend! =)
6. Learn how to use an eye liner
7. Get new shoes, no better time to start on collection rivalling Imelda Marcos than now.
8. Get list of beauty regime stuff as suggested in CLEO (it's amazing how ignorant one can be without women's magazines!)
9. Nail new exercise regime to head... maybe then will stick to it! (Damn the return of the miniskirt!)
10. Finish Greg's birthday card. Not good to repeat mistake of 2001 when birthday present was given 1 month late!
11. Try to remember if I've forgotten any birthdays
12. Collect sunglasses that have been at spectacle shop collecting dust since March
13. Get new watch... time to lay my faithful 6 year old Swatch to rest.
14. Oh SHIT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAUN!!!! I know you don't read my blog but hell, it's the thought that counts anyway doesn't it? HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to SYET YIN too!! (Ok, now that's two things off my list)


Here, now…

Here, now…
It’s hard to form thoughts in my mind
To intend what my heart longs to say
For my heart has a song it wishes to sing
If perchance it wasn’t caged

Here, now…
What would it sing? In what tone or rhyme?
And would it be speaking the truth?
Will it dare whisper what my mask tries to hide
That in fact I do miss you…

(24/03/01)

Not for anyone in particular. Trying to hide homesickness behind a facade of steely convictions. Trying to let everyone think I was alright and I could survive in a harsh foreign land. I conned almost everyone... even myself!

>>>Note to self:
Remember to get glasses! Not because eye-sight is deteriorating (although must check with optometrist as still want to retain 20-20 vision) but because want to prevent eye-sight from deteriorating as will be working with computer screens (which emit harmful rays) ALOT. Maybe might look more intelligent with anti-glare glasses (no one would really know that glasses are not functional and merely for vanity sake). Some girls dig glasses on guys... so aren't there guys that dig glasses on girls?

Capricorn (23 Dec - 20 Jan)
Today remains a very good day giving you the opportunity to win status and loyalty from others, and you can explore into new areas that may very quickly produce long-term opportunities. The Moon in Capricorn can expand your horizons, so it may be a good day to make the attempt to meet up with new contacts. A strong Mars position gives you the energy and luck, while a strong Saturn position can give you support. It becomes a busy day so be prepared for last minute appointments. A good day to socialise and to travel.

[What the f***! So much for my puffy eyes and bleak out look on life.]

How is it after I've planned how I want to do things I always end up doing stuff my parents wanted me to do?
How is it after 2 years of missing home I am suffocating within the four walls of my house?
Why is it when all the hype about going to the University of my dreams dies down, do I start panicking about starting life all over again?
What kind of girl goes out for a movie with a guy who's attached?
What kind of boyfriend goes out for a movie with a girl he's hardly kept in touch with after spraining his ankle?
Why do I still read my horoscope when it is so bloody off point?!!

I just indentified a whole bunch of grammatical mistakes in my last blog. *tears at hair* THIS is precisely what happens when you become a full time science student in Singapore! Warning to any future ASEAN scholars: Do not attempt to communicate with the locals... it could be hazardous to your own speech! You start to speak in a droning tone and freely punctuate your sentences with 'liao', 'wahlau' and smatterings of hokkien and mandarin words (most common are 'chio bu', 'yan dao', 'dao', 'tiao')

Why do I have this feeling that blogger has censored my last blog? Did I miss something in the small print?

Last night I saw an aura around the moon... well it looked like that, a faint ring of light around the full moon. Not really sure what it meant, so I asked xiaokai, grace and sachpal to check the moon. No one came back with the same view of the moon. Hmm...

All I know is that I’m here
Living out a million other’s dreams
Yet I’m facing rock bottom
And I can’t even see the top
Let alone reach it

I haven't checked my mailbox for 4 days and voila! it is stack full with 115 junk mails telling me things like: 'she would stay if it were huge' and 'make it longer' (how the hell do you make something longer that isn't there in the first place?) and 'sloppy naked teens' (now, I know sloppy teens are bad, I mean I was definitely a sloppy teen before... but naked?? Now come on! That's too much for me to bear!). At the rate I am being encouraged to view perfect strangers 'getting it on' I think the world is getting sicker by the minute.
Now don't start saying "You PRUDE!". I accept the fact that all guys watch porn or have watched porn before and I don't throw the book at them for it. I accept the need for guys to sit around and talk about it in the most vulgar of circumstances (10 guys in a tent on top of Mt. Ophir come to mind... it's ironic that the 'decent' guys who didn't want to be included in the conversation were snuggling in a tent with 3 girls!) . I appreciate the fact that some guys are open enough to talk about it in front of me (although I'd appreciate it more if they minimised the "Charlotte, so how does a tampon work?" followed by guffaws, questions!). I also abhor the "So how far have you gone?" questions. Does no one respect privacy anymore?
I can't remember what my point was in the first place. Way too many interruptions in between. Oh darn... I just left my mailbox alone for a few hours and already someone's trying to catch my eye with naked hot chicks? Why are they no mails on naked hot blokes? These porn mails are SO sexist!

Angels stand outside my window
Calling and beckoning to my stone back
My tears drown out their voices
And I can’t feel at all.

The POEMS have returned! Here are some of my most utterly crap work! Written during my first 6 months in Singapore. *Sigh* those first 6 excrutiating months... a whirlwind of experiences. You can't imagine what a horrible ordeal it was for me to travel down to this tiny island all alone without knowing ANYBODY!
Psst... I'll let you in on a little secret. I HATE meeting new people!!! I am unbelievably shy and uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially if they are oozing with confidence and vigour. So much for being an 'interactor'. And many of you probably didn't know that the whole idea of going to a place where I didn't know a single person scared the hell out of me! It didn't help that I hadn't been to Singapore since I was 5! How I survived the initial first week is till this day a mystery to me because throughout that one week I felt like I wanted to run home!
Ok now that I've just talked a whole bunch of goobledeegook... I will try (I said TRY) to publish the poems I wrote in chronological order so that you can venture into the trials and tribulations of a scholar's life in Singapore...

Waiting is akin
To time rushing by
As buses pass you by
And the sky’s silver lining
Turns a threatening shade of grey
How much longer must I go on waiting?

When I first arrived in Singapore, I brought along the bare minimum. All my party clothes, my hair accesories, my make-up kit, anything that spoke of LIFE was left at home. My job here was to study and get through 2 years and come home. That's when the whole concept of waiting came to bear such a heavy weight on my mind. I found myself just waiting for 2 years to be up. And my life literally turned grey (It was the rainy season... and waking up every morning knowing that I will arrive at school half drenched and spend the entire day walking around in soggy socks was very very trying!). The phenomenon of travelling by bus (something I NEVER did in Malaysia) brought its own troubles which included walking to the bus stop only to find the bus you want pass you on the way and there is no way of chasing after it because this is Singapore and buses ONLY stop at bus stops (what do you think they are called that for?). The most ridiculous thing I ever did was miss 3 buses WHILE I was at a bus stop because I was so busy talking!!!
Anyhow, it was a good thing I woke up and decided that I shouldn't waste 2 years being a nerd. Ew!

1. What time is it? 7:16pm
2. Nickname? Charl? And that's because all of you are plain lazy to say SH-AR-L-ERT in full!
3. Parent's names? Teck Chai & Lai Ching (this would be a dangerous and stupid thing to volunteer in the presence of Odacians)
4. Number of candles on last cake? 20
5. Date that you regularly blow them out? 10th of January
6. Hair colour? Black, black, black... er... and black... (I checked in the mirror for your benefit)
7. How much do you love your job? Well, bumming around is only good for the first 2 months...
8. Favourite food? Anything that I don't have to foot the bill for
9. Hometown? SS2, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia
10. Current residence? Like I'm going to tell you! Oh... wait! I did! Refer above
11. Been to Africa? Well, that depends... do you believe in out of body experiences?
12. Been toilet papering? No... but I learnt how to throw toilet paper into shower stalls while certain people are taking baths... (winks at Shan'er)
13. Have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Erm... if you did I recommend you see a good counselor... if it persists... see a psychiatrist, immediately!
14. Been in a car accident? No
15. Croutons or bacon bits? Neither. I can't take meat in the mornings
16. Sprite or Seven-up? I wonder why they even bother to have different brands! Talk about perfect substitutability! (Heh! I'm learning my econs well aren't I?)
17. Favourite Movie? Maybe Dead Poet's Society, maybe The Sound of Music, maybe even both X-men movies, maybe Chicago!
18. Favourite holiday? Any holiday that involves angpows or presents
19. Favourite day of the week? FRIDAY! Only night I don't feel pressured to do homework!
20. Favourite restaurant? If you're taking me there and treating me to a meal... that's definitely my favourite restaurant
21. Favourite toothpaste? How can anyone be fussy about toothpaste?
22. Favourite flower? Lilies and carnations
23. Favourite drink? Soya bean milk
24. Favourite sport to watch? Odac guys arm wrestling (it never fails to be hilarious... esp if some girls are involved too! grin)... actually, Odac guys taupok-ing is even more entertaining!
25. Preferred type of ice cream? English Toffee
26. Favourite Sesame Street Character? Ernie and Rubber Ducky!
26a. Favourite Muppet character? The poor stagehands who always end up in some accident or another
27. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney... I'm a sucker for happy endings
28. Favourite fast food restaurant? Genki Sushi in Singapore... it's what I call Japanese fast food... because there is no faster way of getting food then when it's on a moving belt in front of you!
29. Who is the last person you got e-mail from? If I told you I'd have to kill you... oh but nevermind, Anushia isn't *that* important a person
30. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If you ever saw me freak out when I forgot to wear my school badge to school, you'd know that question will never apply to me!
31. In what single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Urban & Co. (in Singapore... not here!)
32. What do you do most often when you are bored? I start thinking... which goes to show that I'm hardly ever bored!
33. Who is the friend that you are sending this e-mail to that lives the farthest away? Not applicable
34. Bedtime? No way! Not with you!
35. Who will respond to this message the quickest? Usually the Captain
36. Who is the least likely to respond? Sachpal, because he hates blogs
37. Favourite TV show? Scrubs! Friday Nights! 11pm! TV3! (If you're in Singapore it's Channel 5, Monday nights at 11pm) I'm telling you, you MUST watch it!
38. Last movie you saw? Lizzie Macguire The Movie... please somebody, shoot me!
39. Tattoos? tempting...
40. Favourite colour? Tanned skin...
41. Time finished: 8:43pm (so give me a break! I had dinner in between)

I'm sorry if anyone tuned in to the previous edition of my mother's day entry. It was unfinished and not meant to be read yet.
I just killed 3 mosquitoes, one after the other. I believe my house is infested!
I found some poems dating from my early days in Singapore. I'll put them up soon.
Stay tuned!

So as your mother sows, daughters will reap

Of every 10 Sunday morning masses I attend at St. Francis Xavier church, I'm usually late 8 times. Thus my brother and I are relegated to standing at the left wing of the church which I have named the Children's Corner. Why? Because crying, screaming toddlers and children that run about are not attractive in the main section of the church. Thus their parents are relegated to the open-air left wing of the church where their precious tots can scream till they're blue in the face and mummy or daddy can quickly hoist them over the shoulder and run towards the car-park without causing many heads to turn.
Yes I don't like kids. Yes I'm planning on having minimal or none at all. Yes I'll make a pretty scary mum.
Back to Sunday mass... I was watching these kids today (although I PROMISE I heard every word of the homily ok! You can test me!) and their mothers and I realised there were such distinct differences between these kids even though all of them were hardly older than 6 years. Now I have known these kids for the past 5 years. I saw them come into church as toddlers and babies, as their mothers took what was to become their permanent seats in the children's corner... and even after my 2 years in Singapore, I still recognise these kids and their personalities that haven't changed since I left, and neither have their mothers.
Take for example Mum number one. I call her the funky mum. She's probably in her early 30s and she looks confident and pleasant with a really cool short spiky hair-do that tells me she's definitely a new generation type of mother. She's always dressed in comfy young stuffy (baby-tees, nice fitting pants, denims...) and au naturel make up. In fact if it wasn't for her mild-mannered looking husband that reminds me of Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes, I think this woman bears a striking similarity to Cherie! And she has these 2 lovely little girls that look extremely like her, and already at that young age they completely take after her. They are dressed in bright coloured t-shirts and cute little 3-quarters and look nice and comfy. And they are very comfortable with themselves too. They're never attention seeking and they're all nice and smiley and never scream. Except for the fact that they like to bring their colouring books to church and play with little toy cars around the toes of fellow parishioners, they could graduate into the main section of the church with no trouble at all! Way to go, mum!
Now on to mum number 2. I call her the bitchy mum. She looks exactly like every tarty KL secretary would look (no offense to KL secretaries), long ironed-straight hair, perfectly manicured long nails, clothes that try too hard (i.e. tight, short and tighter) and a perpetual "I smell something bad" look on her face. She has two kids. A boy and a girl. Now if I had her kids I would have spanked them, and locked them up WITHOUT bread and water until they promised to behave. They whine! They talk loudly! They fight! And they disturb everyone else! And then they run back to mum, and what does mum do? She just brushes them aside. She doesn't even look at them. If they tug at her arm she shrugs them off and pretends they're not there. When they go "Mum! Mum!" she doesn't answer. And since mum is nonchalant... so are the little monsters to the rest of the church. And the clothes those kids wear just scream brand names into our faces. The little girl today was dressed in one of those pretty but hot and stuffy frocks (that I used to wear when I was small and would saintly bear the itchiness because I was a terribly vain little girl) and would look like an angel if she wasn't reading the church bulletin out loud. Attention seeking mum, attention seeking kids... not a pretty picture!
Now mums number 3, 4 and 5 are the partridge family. They are all either sisters or sisters-in-law (I really can't tell... they are just one BIG family inclusive of grandma as the family matriarch) and I have been watching their brood of kids expand over the past 5 years (I think it totals 5 right now and 2 of the mums are pregnant again). Now it's really sweet the way they come to church as a family and sit together and look after each other's kids till I can't tell which kid belongs to whom. And as for the kids, it's so cute to see the way the older cousin takes the hand of her younger struggling toddler cousin and walks them around the church compound while mummy and daddy listen to the homily. Or when the baby cries, the cousins immediately come round to entertain it and stop it from wailing (some times it succeeds some times it doesn't... well there's only so much that baby's can take of hot Sunday mornings). And just as their parents look part of the affluently well dressed yet modest church crowd, so are the kids nicely dressed in smart Alice in Wonderland type of pinafores or dresses complete with Mary Jane shoes or little neatly pressed shirts tucked into little shorts and sit quietly in the church pews or else wander around on their own when they start to get fidgety. Now that's a clan of mothers to be proud of.
I also noticed during mass that all the husbands of mums number 1 to number 5 were almost similar in mien and character, that even clones would have more differing personalities. Therefore as a science student would my hypothesis that mum's are a critical factor in a child's personality hold true? I definitely think so (and so does my mum)
Today, I fought with my mother. She said I was too critical and blatant when I speak. I told her I talk just like her. We ended up apologising to each other.
Daughters will become their mothers. It's like a vicious cycle of life.
Happy Mother's Day

Berkeley University in California has banned students from China, Hong Kong and Singapore. Lets all have a moment of silence for my kiasu college mates who wanted to go to Berkeley.

I took the X-men test. I'm Gambit.
HUH?
Mysterious? Hard to get close to people? er... I'm not sure about this one. I wanted to be Rogue!

And the storm clouds roll nearer...

Everyone seems to be in a depressed mood lately. (When I say everyone I'm actually making a reference to my Singaporean and ASEAN friends... so sorry if I left you out). It's that season where you realise that :
a) You've made it into the University of your dreams and you have the grades to go... BUT there's this BIG problem about obtaining enough funds and scholarships and grants won't even give you a glance
b) You've made it into the University of your dreams but you're grades which were slightly off the mark just meant you missed the boat and you'll have take up your second choice in a course you don't want to do
c) You didn't make it into the University of your dreams, nor the course that you wanted... what the hell were they telling you when you were 10 years old and that you should always follow your dreams?
d) You just don't know where you are going right now... everything is bent on making your agony last longer as you hang in limbo...
It's a very very depressing season for us... (warning!!! the following is going to sound very arrogant)
We are the top scholars in our respective countries. We've studied in the top colleges in Singapore. And we aren't just brilliant at studying... we represent our colleges in stuff ranging from dance to electronics and olympiads... AND we've worked our asses off for those sparkling grades!
But... then we have just been cruelly brought back down to earth and realise that, hey! no one gets anywhere in this world without cash in the bank. Sigh...
And I'm feeling incredibly guilty for getting into the university of my dreams (2 of them in fact!), with less than sparkling grades and on a Goverment scholarship/loan at that...

Charm, Sherene, Venki, Baa, Hooi Ying, Yi Lin, Maggie... I'm praying for you guys...

I'm back!

And I'm raging mad!!! This morning I was kicked out of my sports club's library for... get this... wearing a SHORT SKIRT!!??!!
Alright, everyone knows I'm no rebel! I'm a stickler for rules 24-7! I grow pale when I'm asked to skip a lecture to attend important ODAC meetings (which I only did twice at most!). I always wore my uniform to perfection, buckle was always in place, kancing was never open. My hair accesories were always the right colour. My shoes the right shade. I even always wore the right socks to school... and in RJ, I NEVER had my shirt tucked out! It'd kill me to break any rule (except that coming late to school bit).
Even today, I checked every bit of my appearance before I entered the library. Now the library has some ridiculous rules... No shorts, no singlets, no sports skirts, no sleeveless blouses and no sweaty attire (which is fine by me although I think it's a little on the extremist side). So I walked right in, put my bag down and proceeded to the magazine section when I was stopped by the librarian who said "I'm sorry you can't wear shorts in the library". I looked down at my skirt (appr. 4 inches above my knees), "But I'm not wearing shorts! Are you blind or are you just uneducated enough not to know the difference?" Ok I didn't say the last bit, but I should have. The librarian (a young, Malay, dull witted looking bit-- ok I'm getting carried away) looked at me again and said, "I'm sorry, we don't allow skirts." I stared back at her and said "But that's not what it says on the club rules which are pasted on the library doors. There is NO rule saying I can't wear a skirt into the library". The young librarian gave a furtive glance at an older librarian wearing a tudung and glaring at me (what?? jealous?? Give me a break... just because I have a perkier ass than you do!) and turned back to me and said, "But mini skirts are not allowed". It was then that all hell broke lose! I have not worn a mini skirt since I was 15 and had skinny legs to my advantage... and I do believe that I have matured in my dressing and do not prance around KL in anything that would reveal more flesh than needs be!
"Mini skirt?? This is not a mini skirt! I have been allowed into the library many times before wearing skirts and it is NOT in your club rules!"
Without flinching the librarian had the audacity to reply, "If you don't leave I'm going to have to ask my boss to scold you."
Scold me??? How old does she think I am? Five?
"Fine!" I said "I'm going to complain" and under my breath "You'd better pray hard that I don't just make you lose your job"
I stormed out of the library, went straight to the club front desk, made a written complaint, then went straight to the hall where my mother was doing her line dancing and garnered support from all the aunties in the room who assured me that I was right in what I had done, telephoned my dad to whine until he agreed to see that my complain was looked into... and now I'm typing out a blog to vent my frustration!
I should wear a tag around me that says... think twice before accosting me and claiming that I have broken a rule! I will cause all hell to break lose for you!
But what I feel that I have been more wrongfully accused of is dressing in a way that was acceptable. I understand that some people think that sleeveless clothes are indecent. I'd understand if the hem of my skirt was just below my butt. And I totally agree that you shouldn't enter the library after you've just had a hearty game of tennis and are practically leaving a trail of sweat. But I don't see what is wrong with a young girl like me entering a library to do some reading (in these days when everyone complains that the young don't read enough) dressed in a t-shirt with sleeves and a skirt and proper shoes. For goodness sake! I thought I had a right to be proud that I'm living in KL and NOT Kelantan! Or maybe I've been mistaken all this while! Are you next going to insist that I can only enter the library if I'm wearing something completely unflattering? Or wait... that I can only enter the library if I look worse than the librarian. And I'm sorry that I make a skirt look good on me even if its slightly shorter than the length of my college skirt! I'm sorry that looks like a mini skirt to you, just because you have a skewed view of what is indecent!

I don't believe in best friends
A tryst is not a trust
I don't believe in true love
There's only room for lust
I don't believe in dreams
They turn ugly in the end
I don't believe in fairness
Things just twist and bend

I do believe in true friends
I believe that you are one
I do believe in giving love
It hurts when there is none
I do believe in living today
As if it were the last
I do believe in life itself
Plan tomorrow, forget the past

I don't have a best friend. I gave up on such things a long time ago. I'm sceptical about true love... unfortunately I've learnt love and lust have just got to work together somehow. I hate dreams, you always have to wake up. And things are never fair, as today has proven once again!

Where have all the poems gone?

Poetry is MIA at the moment. Because I can't find them.
Charlotte is also MIA at the moment. Because she can't find herself.

Don't go anywhere. We will return right after the break.

And just for the sake of saying it... I'm leaving the colour scheme as it is... I can't be bothered to change it no more... not when my comp hangs every 20 minutes or so...

Bloggers in Crime

Once upon a time there was Grace's blog. I read it and thought "How the hell does Grace say what she says with a straight face?". It's not difficult to picture Grace with her perfectly eloquent voice (albeit with a slight sardonic tinge) and serious eyes as she tells you what she has to say... and Grace never minces words about anything. But if you're not quick enough you won't catch the wicked grin she flashes after she's spoken. That's Grace's blog.
Then there was Xiaokai's blog... discovered when I wasn't supposed to discover it...
****** flashback to the past ******
"... but Xiaokai! It's a bloody public blog! Why am I not supposed to read it? Elitist, is it? Everyone can read except me!"
***** flashback to the present *****
... and it was nice to know that the guy who sat with you throughout boring Physics lectures, drew pigs on your physics notes (not very good ones at that... the pigs, I mean) and plotted evil scams in Cantonese with you, is actually a thinker, a seer, and has more to say than I ever gave him credit for. That's Xiaokai's blog.
Then there was the *She*Shu*Shueh* group blog, a blog that revolved around the mad trio of Chinese High Boarding School... Sherene, Shu Chen & Shueh Min... and our fellow boarders in crime... and our blog gave us the chance to connect and yell and scream about A levels and laugh and cry about ourselves and to just come out and say something whenever we felt like it. "Blog! Blog! Blog!" That's our group blog.
Then there was my blog... I took everything I admired from those blogs and brewed it into my Poetry Attic... MY blog... all mine! And it was supposed to be a secret... a private diary of my mind... and yes I can hear echoes of "... but Xiaokai! It's a public blog!". So what happens when you are discovered? Or when you discover that you have been discovered? That people are actually reading what you have to say when you thought the whole world had shut you out and couldn't care about your existence?
You keep on blogging and ignore the passer-bys... that's what you do...

The Shakespeare Innuendoes
Last night I watched 'The Complete Works of Shakespeare' as performed by that trio from Australia. If you haven't watched it... too bad! It's ending this Sunday and it's not worth missing! Go get tickets NOW!
First shock of the night: What the hell! My brother has bumped into 3 friends already and I don't even see anyone I know here!
Second shock of the night: All my brother's friends are taller than me! Where have those days gone when I could still look down at them and call them "BOYS!"
Third shock of the night: Bloody hell... it's 8:30 pm already and they still haven't dimmed the lights or told us to switch off our handpho - OH MY GOODNESS! It's Abdullah Badawi!! The acting Prime Minister and his family are coming in... and they're sitting just across from me... LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!
Fourth shock of the night: Shakespeare was a horny bastard... or else he was definitely portrayed as one. The amount of sexual innuendos I witnessed last night... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.... but I decided I shouldn't be a prude...

Best scene of the night: A tie between Othello's rap and Hamlet performed backwards!

!! Please don't ban The Economist !!

I've only taken a sneak peak at The Economist before. When I was in Raffles Junior College it seemed as if only the most profound and learned students (usually the Humanities people... I'm waiting for the Science people to strike me dead with a cathode ray gun), would browse the pages of THE magazine to read if you want to be up to date with all that's happening in the world (Newsweek and TIMES were considered fluffy material). I personally didn't venture further than 3 pages at a time... I'm still trying to digest that article I was reading on China's democracy.

But now our all-mighty Barisan wants to tie the noose on The Economist for one particular article which I have tried fervantly for the last few days to get a copy of but to no avail. If anyone is kind enough, it's titled The Changing of Guard - A Survey of Malaysia and it was released on April the 5th, please send it to me!!!. I got a few quips and quotes of the article from an article written in the Star [view here] I DO agree that we deserve the decency of an apology from The Economist, but look, please, don't ban it! It's bad enough that only a small minority of Malaysians read the magazine but nevertheless we need objective reading material these days... and yes, that does include the high and mighty voice of those 'Ang Mo's! So this is my little, tiny, individual plea (which will not be read and hopefully if it is JPA will not take away my scholarship) to not ban The Economist. I still haven't finished reading on China...

What 'flavour' of Malaysian are you?
No! I'm not taking more of those emode tests... I'm still sore about the Pink Chiffon fiasco... This title appeared on the front page of The Star, our local English daily, today. And I'm feeling rather miffed because I can't relate to *any* of the flavour categories! Die-lah! I'm not a Malaysian, is it?
Go check out which category of Malaysian YOU belong to here

Sorry, I can't help the colour scheme at the moment....

It hurts her
You can tell
As the tears become a veil
Around her placid brown eyes
Endorsing the reality
Which she wishes were a dream
She still dreams
Of better times
But time has not been kind
To either of them
A right match, wrong time
A rose that had blossomed too soon
Nipped by winter's frost
Casting a shadow on the moon
Which would cry for her if it could
But what's the use of crying?
When what she wants is light
To shine on her way
But it shines
On too many ways
She's afraid of choosing
For fear choice will turn against her
But she's determined
To follow the moon
While scarred memories cling on
Like frightened children
She wishes but she can't let go
And there are shadows in her eyes
But you can still see the moon

For my dearest friend who's been through so much... she's so much happier now...

Bits and pieces

Last night's icq conversation with Anushia (slightly modified):
Baby Seal: wei i just printing my assginment gonna sleep soon got test tomolo liao. :-( i die oredi
Me: haiyah... u say that about EVERY test!! you WON'T die!!!
Baby Seal: i am gonna .... study in 2 days ok.. damn freaked oredi
Me: er... calm down you've gotta realise tt every exam is not the end of the world. if it was.... anu, you must have a real knack of reincarnating everytime! I think ur the best drama queen when it comes to exam hysterics... they really should have an academy award for your category!
**// Thinks to self: If they really did have such a category, Anushia would have won it 5 years in a row, and proceed to make Oscar history by winning it throughout every year of her Medical Student life! //**

What is your signature colour?
I took the test at emode and the result is...

**breathes deeply**

CHIFFON PINK???!!!!
Oh come on! Me? Have I become synonymous with ballet barbie, cotton candy and Baby Spice? Or have I just been living in denial all this while thinking I am some sardonic sarcastic b*tch... I'm leading a delusional life!
btw... I took the "How Passionate are You?" test too... I've had imaginary fangs all this while...

Plastic Perfection
I have had an overdose of articles on plastic surgery that it's beginning to freak me out. ABC has a new reality show called Extreme Makeover (read about it at my all time favourite reality news online) where
//quote//
ABC takes the makeover show to the extreme when they provide two women with a variety of plastic surgery to take care of lips, eyes, breasts, stomachs, teeth, and more! Why just go in for a new hairstyle when you can get a whole new body?
//unquote//
Interesting... plastic surgery is becoming entertainment! Then in yesterday's Malay Mail I read an article about men who were image conscious enough to face the surgeons scalpel. Honestly I couldn't tell the difference between the before and after photos... slight diffrences that drinking loads of water and having the right amount of sleep could repair without needing pain killers! And today in Marie Claire (erm... do not ask me why I am reading women's magazines but due to boring hours of waiting for my mum's line dancing classes to be over I can now tell you the entire contents of Cleo, Women's Weekly... and what's that other magazine called again?), I read an article on women paying thousands of pounds (a complete face job could put me through 2 years of university!) just to have that perfect nose and ironed out skin!
Well! I foresee having many artificial looking colleagues who gather around the coffee pot to talk about "Lisa's doctor is just a wonder! Did you see how he made those nose to mouth lines disappear?" and "God bless the man who invented Botox!" (hmm... it could have been a woman). And just as I adamantly will not rebond my hair to look different from my svelte college mates with long iron-straight hair... I believe in say about 40 years, I might just stand out from the mass of plastic clones as the only one with real dimples, double eyelids and laugh lines!

Word on the tip of my tongue
Dulcinea - meaning sweetheart

Have you ever felt
Anger seep through you
Like Blood
Seeping through
The welcoming fibres
Of an unoffensive
White, blank, sheet
Painting you red
A boiling fury
Of Red
Just Red
While your heart longs to cry

I had another 'fight' with Greg last night about the Msia vs Spore issue for the umpteenth time. I hate fighting with him... because he's usually right, and I can never come up with a good enough counter attack which he cannot put down. Aaargh! That was a feminist cry that translates as: I hate not being right. And I should be shot and skinned alive for using subversive tactics (i.e. crying) to win arguments.

Just a little interesting quote that caught my eye today: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
(The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde)

Two separate frequencies
One lonely night
Modulating amplitudes
One left and one right
They once were coherant
Resonated from the same source
But one interference
Set them off on their own course
One took the left
And the other took the right
Swearing they will never meet again
For if it so happens
By pure coincidence
They'll deflect away on separate plains

Erm... you won't get this unless you did Physics. By the way... contrary to what you might think... I hated the chapter on waves the most!

I finally got my lazy bum off my lazy chair to book tickets for 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare'... comedy style. I missed it when I was in Singapore (the Arts students didn't tell me about it and the Engineering faculty students never take their noses out of their text books). Anyway, I *have* to relate this incident with my little sister (13 yrs) because it was just so amusing!
sis: Why are we going to watch Shakespeare? What is it about?
me: erm... you know er... Romeo and Juliet?
sis: Yeah I know! Are they going to say the poem in my literature text book?
me: What poem?
sis: Life's Brief Candle?
me: You mean, out, out brief candle?
sis: Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow
me: er... yeah... that one....
sis: And what else is going to happen
me: Well... other plays. You know like Twelfth Night?
sis: er...
me: The play I did for SPM lit...
sis: huh?
me: The one about the twins! Where the girl dresses up as a boy!
sis: Oh!! I know that one... there... (points to picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in the newspapers). She acted in it right?
me: erm... NO!!!
sis: yeah! She did! I saw!
me: That was Shakespeare in Love!
sis: oh, got what else?
me: Midsummers Nights Dream
sis: *blank look*
me: The one that Ally Macbeal person acted in
sis: oh... with the donkey!
me: er yes... and then there's Love's Labours Lost
sis: er...
me: The one that Alicia Silverstone acted in...
sis: oh... boring...
me: And there will be Hamlet, Macbeth, Merchant of Venice...
sis: Hamlet?
me: "To be or not to be?"
sis: I know that one!!
me: Ok good! You're all ready to watch Shakespeare next Thursday
sis: See! I told kor-kor (elder brother) I know all about Shakespeare!
Sigh... if it wasn't for the fact that we are eerily almost duplicates in looks, I'd swear she was adopted!

I want time to fly
While I sleep and let the world
Pass by
I want time to fly
So I'll wake up in another phase
Of my life
I want time to fly
Because I don't want to deal
With today
I want time to fly
I want to fly with it before its
too late
Fly past these numbers
Theories and dates
Fly pass these tests
The worry and fate
Fly away from it all
Past the barrier of sound
But my wings cannot fly
They are pinned to the ground

16/09/2000

I hate studying for exams. Sometimes I want time to fast forwards so that everything will be over and at the same time I want time to rewind so that I can gain back all those minutes I wasted dilly-dallying over mundane things like clipping my toe nails and not studying. I'm a born procrastinator... and I have NEVER been fully prepared for any test I've sat for in my life (except Modern Math which was a brain dead subject).

Finally the Iraq war no longer hogs the headlines of our English Dailies. (Well, in the case of The Malay Mail tabloid news always preceded any other news, but they don't count). SARS has taken over and I am rather amused to see Malaysia and Singapore repressing their innate habit of throwing insults across the causeway and working together (although stepping on each others toes once in a while) to overcome this vile disease. Looking on the brighter side of things, SARS may actually seal the wound that was caused by the water issue and the Pulau Batu Puteh/Pedra Branca fights. I'm idealistic? Yeah I know... I'm the one dating a Singaporean aren't I?

Family News Flash: I have a new niece. My cousin just delivered a beautiful baby girl called Emma! Jane Austen would be pleased! Considering that I have no affinity towards my 2 older nephews Christopher & Michael and my rather irritating niece, Jaime, and that I'm barely acquainted with my baby nephews Scotti, William, Elliot & Nathan, nor my other baby nieces Kathryn and Julie (the fact that I actually know their names at all is impressive!), I'm hoping Emma will be a little angel. The fact that she currently lives in Melbourne, thousands of miles away from me, helps alot!

Yesterday
If you gave me a rose
I would kiss you
And thank you for your kindness
For touching my heart
Today
You have handed me a bouquet
And asked me to pick one
Perplexed
I try to illiminate
Colour coordinate
Or even count the days before they wither
But I can't pick one
Won't you help me?
Why can't the flower pick me?

No matter how hard I try, I can't remember why I wrote this. It doesn't help that it's not dated. My closest guess is that it was written at a point in time when I couldn't decide where my ambitions lay. I still can't. I must be the only engineering student in the world whose dream is to open a craft shop!

Cruel slayer, darkest nights
The cold winds of November
Could not have frozen a heart as such
One sullen, merciless prayer
For vixens rule with coquetish eyes
And hearts they can set on fire
But with one strike, a cunning Delilah
Has stabbed a heart with treacherous desire
Once fancy dreams, are nightmare's real
And the cold rains won't stop pouring
For womenkind is a vile disease
With no cure nor a forewarning
Tread if you must, set chase to Diana
But beware her hunting arrow shot
Run as you might, take cover and hide
But your heart is never safe from this evil plot

I doesn't take much to crush a guy's heart into pulp sometimes. They can be such weak little fools... Damn! I so know I'm going to get a ear-full from someone later...

I saw a sparrow outside my window
And I told it "Life's full of crap!
"You kill yourself doing all this shit
"And in the end you get nothing back!
"If I had wings like you did
"I'd fly away from here
"Escape the troublesome fate of men
"If not I'll die, I fear"
The sparrow shook its head in sorrow
In such a way that sparrows do
And he said, "Life's full of crap, BUT
"The crap is made by you
"So what if you had my wings?
"Would that excuse you from stress and worry?
"Would you rather fear a hunters gun
"Than life's bustling haste and hurry?
"Just as I risk my life each day
"The challenge opens things anew
"I learn from each mistake I make
"Like spending time talking to you!
"Make life your own, you're only crap
"Of you feel each task is shitty
"Then what excuse can you give yourself
"For you made life this gritty!"
I thought real hard and soon realised
That life's crap is my own fault
And if I pulled myself together I'd realise
That sparrows can't talk for nuts!

Chuckle! Just one of those times when I felt like writing something totally nonsensical. Throw out the Jewel and bring in the Spike Milligan. Yup... just one of those days...

You think when you're 20 you'd remember not to do really stupid things like...
1. Wear a white T-shirt when it looks like rain and you're out jogging with a guy
2. Switch on my headlights at night... after driving for 10 minutes without them...
I was thinking about Singapore's allegations about our media as I was reading the Malay Mail today. Maybe they're right after all. But then again... they don't know that the Malay Mail is a tabloid. It's all a matter of misunderstanding. But then again, the Straits Times which is definitely NOT a Singaporean tabloid runs equally scandolous news on Malaysia. So what do *they* have to say about that?

And now the whole world is laughing
In its own cynical way
In the face of fear
Knowing it has betrayed
They fear not the guilt
The poor and weak know
They stand in whispers
From the laughter below

Hold out your hand
I'll reach out to touch
The heartache the spirits
All thrown in the dust
The ailing the lonely
As much as I can
Battle the laughter
The evil withstand

Give up not your children
Tell them hope's near
While money burns bright
No one is holier
Greed and revenge
Mingle and dance
The innocent watch aghast
At sin in its trance

Lead us not into what befalls
Take away hate, good neighbours call
Shed all that's earthly
Gaze at the sky
Watch the same stars
God made so bright
Know there is love
Know there is care
We won't despair
We know God's really there.

Wrote this when I was in form 4, very active in CB, and still strong in my faith. I want to believe I still believe... especially in times like these

Incoherent personal ramblings ahead.
I saw you in my dreams last night. And it was so real. I could see you clearly, I heard your voice, I felt the warmth of your presence... and I was so happy. I think I've been keeping all the missing and tears pent up, and that's why you appeared last night... because my soul needed somewhere to release everything. But the worst part was waking up, realising that you weren't beside me... and crying because a dream had played tricks on me! That wasn't fair at all!
Lion City Report 21/04/03 : Nothing new. Pasir Panjang market has been closed as a precautionary measure. I don't think that in anyway is insulting. I'm scared though. Greg lives in Pasir Panjang!

Woodland Spells

Whistle down winters
Of glazed covered snow
Heed not the weather
As further we go
Sing praises of nature
Drink in the sky
Set sail on a whispering
Wind's lullaby
Linger on sweet scents
That tingle on memory
Succumb to the shades
Of Twilight trickery
Answer to the echoes
Of a young cuckoo's call
Flirt with a daring
Breeze's rise and fall
Sighing tears on rosebuds
Shatter a mirrored pool
All beauties of Mother Earth
All now part of you

12/1/00

I remember telling Jason that I must have been giddy in love when I wrote this because this is a seriously embarassing work! Nevermind... I liked the rhyming....

Happy Easter! Hallelujah! I can eat meat again!
Alright... that was rather out of context, but I have the right to rejoice after surviving only on fish and vegetables for the past 40 days. And it wasn't just me. My whole family decided to give up red meat for Lent... so for over a month my wonderful mum who came up with a million ways to cook tofu fed us on green stuff and seafood.
So after 40 days my brother was ready to pounce on a huge rib eye steak... but as circumstances had to be... our favourite steak house closes on Sundays, so Dad took us to... *groan*... a SEAFOOD restaurant! But never mind, they had very good pig knuckles.
I'll pass on the tofu, thank you!
Lion City Report 20/04/02: Not even a pinprick aimed at our good neighbour down south today. Highlights? Uncle Goh's speech on how SARS is going to kill Singapore. One thing I respect about that man is that he knows he can say "In Singapore's context, like it or not, people understand fines" without flinching. Read more here

1st January 2000

I can hear a silent cry in the night
So soft it's deafening
Yet its brilliant masked face stares at me
As it tries to convince me
It has rustic charm
That it holds an untouched, unstained
Millenium in its hands
A lighted doorway
For mankind to enter
But I in my disbelief
Brush it off
Like an inferior speck of dust
And as I move away, it glowers
And bursts into one or two sparkles
Cheap glamour
It has conned the weak
Into believing it's all worth something
But I won't be taken in
I'll wait for the authentic
I'll wait another year

Everyone knows the 'authentic' Millenium is really 1st January 2001. Oh fine. Dispute it. I don't care. Never knew what the whole hype about the Millenium was anyway

Latest update on my blogger. I've managed to insert a link for photos. Go techy me! And after being riled up by Greg's lousy OCS lectures on Malaysian vs Singaporean politics I'm going to do my own little survey on our Malaysian media.
Lion City Report 19/04/02: Singapore was not insulted in the papers today.

Examination Dramatics

Sitting alone, facing a sheet
Of twisted puzzling schemes
Filled within, a pressure erupting
Of outer-worldly screams
The choices of indecision
Leave shivers down your spine
While your heart prays for hours to pass
Or else to turn back time
Each unpredictable moment
Unfolds a mini melodrama
And every sigh signals the end
To an immense emotianal trauma
And deja vu dances around you
The familiar sights and sounds
Have all been seen and done before
Each time exam season comes around

I have to thank History exams for inspiring many an exam themed poem! Studying History must have been the most tormentous thing in the world... but now that I don't study it anymore, I think it was quite a nice subject after all. =)

I feel terribly ashamed complaining about my family's income. I just read in the papers today that the average Iraqi family has an income of $3 US a month. That's 12 ringgit a month. That's not even as much as the price of my new sandals! Shame on me!
In other news... (oops, that sort of caught on from reading Grace's blog)... today in French class one of the Ah Lians wore a baby tee with a picture of the Virgin Mary on it. Unless this is in preparation for Easter, and I have my doubts that she (the Ah Lian) is a Catholic, I do not think the Blessed Mother should be worn as a fashion accessory! I was very tempted to ask if she was Catholic but a little voice in my head said "stop being a holier than thou idiot! you who's faith has been as fragile as a candle in a blizzard for the last 2 years!".

Tomorrow's Dreams

I saddle my horse
To ride away with the wind
Into the uncertain horizon
Of my future
I'm leaving behind
Girlhood's frivolous nature
Letting fate tempt me
Into choosing my path
Where there's no return
And I shed a tear as the gates
To my youth
Close on me
Packing my dreams into a box
Labelled reality
The winds have changed
And I stand beside the ghost of my past
As nostalgia whispers
Forgotten prose in my ear
I am now my own master
I have grown up

I love this poem. Jewel inspired. It was the very first time reality pounced viciously on me and I woke up knowing I had to grow up. I wrote it sometime towards the end of Form 5. But the funny thing was I don't think I did grow up in junior college. If anything, RJ and Odac kept me younger longer. And even though I gave up all my girlishness while I was in Singapore, its come back to me with a vengeance. Explains the pinks and purples, the patient skin care routine, the lipstick in my handbag, the many many new pairs of shoes. Sigh...

Have not blogged for awhile, but have had some thoughts on my mind... let me just leave some here to take the weight off...
1. It doesn't matter that you are one out of 20 Singaporeans (do not ask why I am considered a Singaporean, this one I cannot fathom either) accepted into a prestigious Ivy League. People will still say, "Oh, yeah, I think Brown is quite a good university also" or "Brown... is... in England, right?" or worse still, "Brown ah... what university is that? Why didn't you apply to Harvard?". I rest my case.
2. You only realise that you are poor... very poor... when you have to fill in your scholarship form looking absolutely destitute as your family survives on your Dad's income which is a measly 5000 ringgit a month and selling the family home won't even be enough to cover the cost of your education!

Interval of Silence

They can't hear me
They won't perceive my thoughts
They implore me
Just talk, speak, respond!
But it's all a buzzing distant
Harmony in the background
Of my intricate world
Which weaves gossamer threads of raindrops
Each a glint of Sunlight
Each similar
Each different
Pirouetting upon a silver stage
That serves as my window ledge
And shimmers into pools of melted hopes
A cadence in its mesmerising waltz
Then they return
They look at me and shake their heads
They try to envision
What it is
That has locked
The doors between our worlds
And thrown away the key
Yet little do they know
The gateway to my universe
Is simplicity
To hear the symphony
Of the wind in it's rising and falling grace
And there are no intervals of silence
As its tuneful melody plays on
And the mirages stand still
In my vast world I call a reality
All relating only to that which is felicity personified
But they'll only call it idle dreams
They'll never know
Things aren't always what they seem

The first of my poems to be publised... in Sri Aman's yearbook (2000). Dreamy... that's always been me... just living in my world of dreams

This afternoon the Iraq UN Ambassador pronounced that the war was over... then Donald Rumsfield keeps appearing on screen saying there is more to fight (what *is* this American obsession about fighting?)... then BBC and CNN keeps replaying footages of Saddam's statue being pulled down, defaced, defiled and used as a dancing platform for elated Iraqis... I just wonder how come there is no footage of them doing the same to American and British troops... maybe after they realise that nothing is being done to rebuild Iraq and looting and plundering becomes part of the national economy. No more to say. Am not trying to impose my own political views......... right!

The placidness of a face
Hides many convulsions of feelings
Banging on the locked doors
But they can't be released
Won't be leased to life
The trickery in a smile
Reads many chapters
Of many scenes
Mirages, all of them are
I'm afraid to know what's
on the other side of the mirror
Afraid my eyes will tell all

Maybe there is a wall... after all...

There are two Ah Lians in my French class. Unlike many people, I haven't really had to the chance to meet a real Ah Lian face to face nor many Ah Bengs. But the two in French class are enough to send shivers down my spine such that I swear I will NEVER visit APIIT (due to Sachpal's many many blood curdling horror stories). Maybe I'm exagerating but every word those Ah Lians speak is similar to nails on a black board. And I'm selios lor! Veli pain to my ears ah!! Soli. I act big big... like elitist but I leally cannot tahan lah!!

Where so raindrops go
When they fall on desert sands?
Do they ever find their way back
To themselves?

Or do they disperse
In the intensity of the alien heat
Which is not them?

Was trying to find myself. Its still lost

*OH*MY*GOSH* (Imagine this in squeaky Janice-ala-FRIENDS-fame voice) Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! Its been 14 hours and I think I'm still dreaming. Did I read that right? The part that said 'we look forward to seeing you at Brown'? I've been accepted into an Ivy League! Me? That's my name on the letter, right? Albeit it says Charlotte S. Yeow... albeit the post man said "I have a parcel for Charles...erm...Tee Yeoh?" It's me! They actually want me! Even though I wrote in my application that the one reason I wanted to go to Brown is because the name Providence just thrills me! Call me in a few days... I think I would have gotten over the exhilaration and hot-air-balloon headedness by then. If not, you can read about Brown University yourself right here *nudge* less than 5 Malaysians are accepted into Brown every year. Ok, ok I'm sorry! Just let me enjoy my moment for awhile!
By the way I'm also floating about 10 cm off the ground because Greg got posted into Officer Cadet School and I'm just so proud of him! Besides, army guys in that white polished OCS uniform are such a big turn on in comparison to the grubby common green everyone else wears.

There ain't such a thing
As a summer breeze
We learn the hard way
So fast, so please
Tell the world that
Innocence ain't a shield
It pierced me harder
Than an ultra violet beam
Darkness covers its ugly skin
And pretends to be your friend

My favourite line everytime I made a huge mistake in my life used to be "But I was young then!". Maggie will attest to that. Ironic that I've had to learn through experience that experience *is* life's true teacher

I just fumigated my room. I saw a cockroach crawling into it, so I grabbed a can of insect spray (at least I *hope* it was insect spray) and blindly smogged my entire room, slammed the door and ran as far away as I could. Which leads to my sitting in front of my comp, half awake and wondering how long it takes half a litre of insect spray to kill one cockroach? Makes me think of that light bulb question... which makes me think of that Singapore JC light bulb question (How many Rafflesians does it take to change a light bulb? 4 faculties) which makes me think about thinking.
I don't really think much perse. Sometime after form 5, I let my brain become idle, and then the water seeped in which helped increase the rate of rusting which in turn caused the screws to disintegrate and fall out... and after awhile I just stopped thinking deeply about things. Just didn't care. If things don't affect me why should I waste brain cells on it? But that's only a one way ticket to dumb blonde-ville!
But lets say, hypothetically speaking, I was thinking about how to decorate a flower basket... now that's something I could spend hours thinking about... and after a week I would have come up with 1000 ways to decorate said basket! Give me something creative to brain storm about and my brain works at a trillion to the power of a billion GHz! But that only makes me think how shallow a person I am.
I don't think about world hunger, or potical controversies or even what makes people tick. And then when an emotional problem blows up in my face and I *have* to think about it I wonder that I never thought about it before and could have prevented the whole mess in the first place... either that or I just get confused and sob till someone else gives in. Not the best of answers but it does provide temporary relief.
I have a strange strange mind... I'm not sure I even understand it anymore...

Only I know why I feel spring
Only I can hear sparrows' songs
Only my mind knows the light of day
Only I know I've seen dawn

Mad ramblings. Sometimes I write things that... just.... rhyme? and sound nice?

I have a baby brother
He is 17
But he's still my baby brother, who recently got angry at me over our shared bathroom and hid my toothbrush. Knowing he was up to one of his childish pranks when I couldn't find my toothbrush, I just used his. For a week. Until I found my toothbrush carefully hidden behind the shampoo bottles.
This isn't the first time. A few years ago he got made at me for hogging the Internet one night so he stormed into his room and didn't come out. I unwittingly went to sleep at 11 p.m. At 12 midnight my alarm clock rang. Thinking I'd set it by mistake I shut it off and went back to sleep. At 1a.m. the alarm on my swatch watch went off. Now, I couldn't be that much of an idiot of set 2 alarms at such unholy hours. But what the heck, shut off watch alarm, yawn, go back to sleep. At 2 a.m. I awoke to the sounds of a train whistle and a chug-a-chug-a-chug thundering in my room. Since when did dreams become so visual? I searched high and low for the source of this phantom train and finally pulled out my brother's christmas present from under my bed : an alarm clock in the shape of a train crossing light! No prizes for guessing who had planted it there.
But that's my baby brother for you. Never underestimate the mischieviousnous of a baby brother. Especially when ONE of your koala bear slippers goes missing... and you find it sitting on the roof tiles outside your window ledge... as my baby sister would tell you

The night before History Exam

Twilight lingers, fingering the tree tops
Sleep beckons me
As I shiver in the cold
Thought playing catch in my mind
Making no sense
Unorganised
Darkness draws my eyelids
Closer
closer
But the tinge of coffee on my tongue
Brings consciousness around again
I am alone
With only paper
Pens
And dates
Blackmailed into arranging
Confusion into order
Before I dig my own grave
Tomorrow
And sink deeper into it
With each question unanswered

12/10/99

I had so much fun writing this. Because it meant a few minutes of escape from dates and names. History was my most dreaded subject. It's such a torture to study! Explains why it was the first subject dropped from my list after SPM