Aargh!!! Hit Me Baby One More Time is playing incessantly on the PS2! My sister and her friends are jumping around on some PS2 dance mat thing, and I swear that Britney Spears' back is feeling the brunt of all my curses right now, because I cannot force feed a chapter on Labour Markets into my head in one hour when a ghastly sore-throaty "Oh baby, baby" is resounding from down stairs!!! My MP3 player is also on a vengeance today. Too lazy to configure a playlist, I've let it randomly pick songs off my entire list, and today it's gotten addicted to N*Sync and 98 Degrees!! I'm tired of pressing the 'next' button. Now it's playing Dido... and that's really depressing. I like Dido at any other time. But 4 days before an Economics paper? That's suicidal.
Song reverberating through my head at the moment is Gordon Lightfoot's 'If you could read my mind'. Catchy in a melancholic way...

Look again

Notice…
That the sun rises a little higher now
The grass blades painted a brighter shade of green

Unknown before…
The sweet morning song of sparrows
The soothing lilt of the wind

Smile now…
At the joyful dance of raindrops
And the taste of sweet air on the tip of your tongue

Look now at the same world
Standing on the other side of the looking glass
With the sun on your side, we are one…

The first step is always acceptance.

I'm waging a war on TV3. They cancelled SCRUBS! How. Can. They??? Don't they know they shouldn't pull a series with loyal followers off the air waves without any warning? Ooooh!!!! TV3, feel my wrath!!!
(like hell, what really can I do? Puny little viewer me)

Why Charlotte Sometimes...?
quote Jewel:
Sometimes it be that way

This article appeared in the Star today
Student to sue over summons

My initial reaction on reading it was "You mean that's not allowed?"
I don't really know what the laws on PDA are in my own country. I've heard one of two things from friends like you can't make out in a car or kiss in public parks... but hey, I thought those were rumours!!! You mean to say you guys weren't kidding me all this while???

When I was in Singapore, PDA was accepted (I said accepted NOT encouraged!) everywhere! Buses, MRTs, parks, along Orchard Road, at any time you could see couples, holding hands, hugging, kissing, NORMAL displays of affection and no police officers come running up to you to tap you on the shoulder (and this IS a big deal in the country where you'd be damned to drop a sweet wrapper on the floor). My guess is that Singapore's uptight and rule crazy officials are closing one eye on this matter due to the declining rate of the Singapore population (i.e: Singaporeans are not producing enough Singaporean babies!). Coupled with the new 'Romancing Singapore' scheme (I'm serious! It's a really government scheme!), you won't see PDA being wiped out anytime soon.

So imagine my surprise to come back to this country and find that the rules of the game here are just not the same. Last December, Greg and I went to KLCC to have lunch with my cousin Ming Yin and her boyfriend Adrian (both studying in Melbourne Uni). While waiting for Ming to show up, Greg and I noticed that we were the only couple holding hands. Unless it was "Celebrate Single-hood" day, there really could be no reason for every guy and girl we saw walking together to be in a platonic relationship! It was really unnerving to see such a conservative sight! It wasn't until Ming appeared arm in arm with Adrian that I felt like I wasn't in the twilight zone anymore.

Did I miss out something when they were handing out the rules on dating ettiquette? We all know how I'm a by-the-book freak!

A whirlwind just passed
Took my life with it
And turned it upside down
And now it laughs at me
As it watches me
Slowly piece back the pieces
Into their unfamiliar slots
But there’s one missing picture of you
And I’m afraid I’ll forget
It was ever there in the start

Ditto yesterday's poem

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!! Sorry, no surprises like last year. Can't take a bus down and appear at your army camp only to hear you say "I knew you'd do that!". No great presents like last year's climbing shoes, no romantic dinners and basically - no me! I know I can't make up for it and it kills me that it's going to be like that for the next 5 or 6 years... and maybe even forever. But I'm not going to dwell on that right now. Have fun in your last teenage year! And if anything goes wrong on your special day, I'll make up for it by loving you more!

I did some crazy things today
I spent RM32 posting Greg's birthday present to him... and that cost more than the present itself!
I drove the wrong way down a one way street, got stuck for 20 minutes (it seemed that long to me), caused a major bottle neck jam.
I killed 10 mosquitoes in my car alone. My mum left the window down last night.
I sat down and studied econs for 3 hours. I finished 1 major chapter. The first one. The easiest one. Tonight I'll look into elasticities.

In reply to the poem on Daryan's blog... Love is that great mystery that makes us accept everything unconditionally... even ourselves.


No one feels the silence
But you’re gone
Like a silver breeze vanishing…
Melting away…
Melting me
Cause I don’t know why
The emptiness hurts more than pain
And I want to know why
If you weren’t going to stay
Why did you come into my life at all
So now I’ll laugh lonely laughs
And talk lonely talks
There’s no one here to break the silence
It’s become too familiar now you’re gone


It's funny how you can get so attached to people after knowing them only for a few months. Maybe its because they were the only things you could find refuge in. This is for Zi Shen and Anthony.
Zi Shen, who always called me aunty, who made me laugh at jokes so corny they would make a jagung blush, who never let any of the girls walk to or from school alone, who played badminton with me even though I was as lousy as crap, who was our unspoken leader and beacon of light, who left to take up a JPA scholarship so that he could go to Stanford... and there he is now...
Anthony, our dear gentle giant, with his umbrellas in case he ever got the chance to shield a fair damsel from the rain, and apple strudels for bribing us, whose piano playing awed us, who'd get the girls our soups during dinner then declare that he'd never marry any one of us before walking off haughtily, who left to take up a JPA scholarship because he wasn't happy in Singapore, who's going to become a doctor instead of the musician he always wanted to be...
I missed you guys all the time I was in Eton. The void you guys left made me throw myself totally into ODAC, because I couldn't bear going back to the hostel, knowing I'd be alone, that there wouldn't really be anyone to talk to or laugh with. Luckily things got better as time went on. I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Here's a poem by Hooi Ying, its a pity you guys didn't get the chance to read it before you left:

JUST A FLEETING MOMENT

When first we came to this peculiar place,
And got to know each other,
We thought we would spend our nights and our days,
Together in the next two years.

There were some difficulties that we weathered,
Some roads we travelled together ,
But later you decided,
That another path was better.

The halls will never again sound,
With your voices or laughter,
But still sweet memories abound ,
Of the times we were together.

Was it chance that brought us over,
From places miles apart,
Is it fate that keeps us together,
Or deems that we should part?

But let us not think of what might have been,
And wipe from our hearts the sorrow,
We shall each pursue our individual dreams,
For a better and brighter tomorrow.

- Looi Hooi Ying, ASEAN scholar


This is dedicated to:
Lye Theng Pui Man Meng Wai Big Grace Chun Hong Ming Hoong Kian Hong Sylvia
Wee Siong Peter Bong Chao Hong Mong Peng Sing Eek

Not forgetting:
Zi Shen Anthony

And all who went back.

I feel the night calling my name
In sweet serenade
Seducing in whispers
As my thoughts fade away
It knows I am weary…
Yes it knows I am weak…
Luring me in its darkness
Of dreams and sleep

I used to come back from college really tired after late training and long dinners and then turn to my work with only half my mind on it and eventually fall asleep before I'd even started on my assignments.

The depression bug is in the air...
It's hovering nearer and nearer and I'm afraid it will land on me.
In just the span of a week I've spoken to or e-mailed more than 5 people who've been feeling out of sorts, and even though you might think that depression is contagious, ironically it has cured me of the beginning of MY own depression because I tend to put my troubles out of the picture and listen to what my friends have to say. And after that I completely forget why I was even feeling down in the first place. Thank God for my really short memory span!

Today while I was outside Taylors after my econs class, a girl approached me and asked if I would take part in a survey on SARS. I thought it must be one of those college project things (Moral related and usually not worth the effort for the grade) but I was in a good samaritan mood so I agreed. The survey was a really simple questionaire and I breezed through the SARS questions, however the last question caught me by surprise:
"If you were given the chance to accept Jesus in your life and to get to know him, would you? Yes, No or Maybe?"
My first thoughts were: uh-oh... it's one of those Christian recruitment things! Get me out of here!
And sure enough the girl began to ask me stuff like which college are you from? Oh I don't study here, I'm a foreign student. Oh, where are you from? Singapore (Hey! I was telling the truth! I'm not a local student and I did study in Singapore) So do you know Jesus? I'm a Christian (Or do you NOT recognise a crucifix when you see one? It's hanging around my neck for heavens sakes!) And which church do you go to in Singapore? Holy Cross. Well I'm from the Sea Park Baptist Church, and I'm from *(--some group or other, I don't remember the name--)*. Well that's nice (Oh no!! She's a Baptist! Don't mention the word Catholic!). I'm also involved in my college's Christian society and I used to be on the commitee for my schools Catholic group (NO!!! I said the word Catholic!!! I'm dead meat!) Oh, so do you say prayers to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour? Er, well I obviously have to since I had to lead my own Christian society. (I mean, no I don't have to accept Jesus in order to help other people believe in him, is that what you are trying to say?) And so you studied about Jesus all your life? Er, yeah... since I was born (HELLO??? I'm a Catholic! Cathechism classes are serious business in the Catholic Church! We've been brought up on a strict diet of Catholic rules since the day we were born!) So when did you accept Jesus? When? I can't exactly say when! It's not something that happens at a moments notice. Well, you know alot of Christians don't really accept Jesus and *blah blah blah... please insert your own patronising words here pointing towards the fact that I am a unrepentant Christian who takes my religion for granted... blah blah blah* Oh, I'm sorry, I think my relative is here to pick me up. Gotta go. But thanks! And keep it up!
I quickly ran to my mum's car, and only when I got in did I realise: Damn! She conned me! She made me do a survey on SARS but ended up trying to convert me! Hello? That's cheating!!!
Look, I don't advocate mass conversion. I don't believe in going out there and pulling people to church. I think people should stop knocking on my door and waving the Bible at me and asking "When was the last time you met God?". I meet Him everyday, thank you very much! And if you really want to spread the word of God, its not going to come out clearly just by catching unfortunate victims on the street and preaching to them about your gracious Lord and saviour. No, it really doesn't work that way. I think the only way is to live your life in a normal but Christian way. Actions speak louder than words anyday. I remember a Sunday school teacher saying: people are attracted by our actions, not by how loud or long we preach. And I say Amen to that!

Cold

It feels cold
The night breeze rushes in
Running its cold fingers
Through my soul
But it can’t grasp it
Because my soul is
a thousand miles away
Where hot breezes blow
And night kisses never cease
But its just a mocking fantasy
I won’t go back, can’t go back
Though
It feels colder here…

(09/04/01)

It was really literally cold in Singapore. I lived in an air conditioned room and had to take baths without hot water on rainy days and after returning from training late at night. It's no fun having to take a cold bath and then trying to dry your hair in an air-conditioned room. Most nights I'd be so tired I'd just fall asleep, wet hair and all...

Yesterday my mother's old college friend commited suicide. She was the founder of the Petaling Jaya Community Centre, a place where I regularly go with my mum to discard old junk items that we no longer use. My mum's friend always somehow found a use for them, or else recycled them. I've only met her once or twice, but her absence has permeated my entire house. My parents old college mates are ringing non-stop and of course gossip is in the air as to the reason for suicide.
Suicide strikes a very real fear in me. No I've never attempted it, never even thought of it. But those dark form 2 days have left a scar on some of us that will never rub off, that will leave us cold everytime we hear of suicide, that will make us cynical everytime someone mentions they might try it, that will force us to try and forget the pain and fear we felt thinking it might happen, and the anger we felt in the end.
And at the end of the day... life is worth every minute of living it!

Rainbows (09/04/01)

Do you see rainbows?
Not me, not yet,
Not in this place…
Which has turned cold and grey
I know they exist
In some forgotten sphere
But the key to that realm
Have I consciously lost
In my struggle to remain cold and grey
Have I forgotten my soul?

I think I made a mistake. I thought yesterday was the 20th. I'm sorry Shaun. Here. I'll wish you again for a second time.
Happy Birthday Shaun - You Mad Monkey You!

ahem!

It's so hot today I believe heaven is having a baking spree. I'm already stripped down to a tank top and old school short... any less and I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. I used to do that in my single room in my hostel on sweltering hot afternoons until someone told me it's against the law to walk around undressed in your own home. Considering that the hostel wasn't really my 'home' and Singapore's obsession with fining people I decided it wasn't worth the risk.

Ode to Sylvia

Skies don’t turn blue on their own,
She said
I like to make mine
A brilliant shade of pink
I’m not indebted to traditional favour
I just don’t give a damn
What they think

I looked to the heavens
At its rosy hue
And shared with it a sorry sigh
Then the clouds moved in
And the rain conquered all…
… and all she could do was cry

Alas foolish one,
Skies are beyond our dreams
Con our souls not…
It’s the hard truth
And when it storms
Why turn your back on blue skies
They may prove the better
For you…

(27/03/01)

Sylvia was one of my first 3 room mates when I moved into Eton Hall (the desecrated hostel of evil, the dungeon of despair, the... sorry, got carried away). Since she was my only room mate who wasn't from China we hit off immediately. We were both Catholic, from girl schools and we even had the same Chinese names! But, Sylvia was different. Not just different from me, but a distinctly different person from the rest of the scholars at Eton. She was a part of the 30 scholars who were sent to St. Andrews Junior College (a BIG contrast to the teeny group that consisted of 9 'elite' Raffles scholars).
Ok, take it from me... surviving the ASEAN scholar ordeal isn't easy. If I had to publish a book on tips to surviving the nightmare that is junior college in Singapore it would run along the lines of...
Rule no. 1: Try to fit in. I don't mean become completely Singaporean, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Individualism isn't meant to be cultivated in Singapore (unless you're from RJ Humanities...)
Rule no. 2: Don't complain. Even if you think you deserve better, be happy with your lot and move on. Nobody cares about you alone... everything is for the good of the whole society. It's a utilitarian society here!
Rule no. 3: Don't break rules. This is the country of rules galore and challenging them will gurantee you a one way ticket home.
Sylvia broke all three rules and more, and her scholarship offer was withdrawn after 3 months on the grounds that she could not cope with life as a scholar. I agreed with them. I had pleaded with her to stop alienating her classmates and the St. Andrews scholars, to try and like her college, to stop going to the guys rooms and staying in there till after midnight, and to stop wishing she was in Raffles because all the glamour is not what it seems. I guess it was all useless when I came back from school one day to find a note on my table with Sylvia's last goodbye. But I know she's still keeping her chin up, maybe living in a world that is more accepting of individuals like her.

I've got a new shopping list out!
Things I need to do:
1. Replenish my supply of sunblock. KL weather is now set on sizzle and fry!
2. Get nice aromatherapy soap (especially the kind that will alleviate my headaches and compliment my panadol)
3. Oh yeah, get panadol.
4. Buy evenescence cd (alternative might be to drop by Sugi's house and download it since she has broadband... hmm...)
5. Check if Sugi is free and in good mood, then drop by her house on pretext of being a good friend! =)
6. Learn how to use an eye liner
7. Get new shoes, no better time to start on collection rivalling Imelda Marcos than now.
8. Get list of beauty regime stuff as suggested in CLEO (it's amazing how ignorant one can be without women's magazines!)
9. Nail new exercise regime to head... maybe then will stick to it! (Damn the return of the miniskirt!)
10. Finish Greg's birthday card. Not good to repeat mistake of 2001 when birthday present was given 1 month late!
11. Try to remember if I've forgotten any birthdays
12. Collect sunglasses that have been at spectacle shop collecting dust since March
13. Get new watch... time to lay my faithful 6 year old Swatch to rest.
14. Oh SHIT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAUN!!!! I know you don't read my blog but hell, it's the thought that counts anyway doesn't it? HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to SYET YIN too!! (Ok, now that's two things off my list)


Here, now…

Here, now…
It’s hard to form thoughts in my mind
To intend what my heart longs to say
For my heart has a song it wishes to sing
If perchance it wasn’t caged

Here, now…
What would it sing? In what tone or rhyme?
And would it be speaking the truth?
Will it dare whisper what my mask tries to hide
That in fact I do miss you…

(24/03/01)

Not for anyone in particular. Trying to hide homesickness behind a facade of steely convictions. Trying to let everyone think I was alright and I could survive in a harsh foreign land. I conned almost everyone... even myself!

>>>Note to self:
Remember to get glasses! Not because eye-sight is deteriorating (although must check with optometrist as still want to retain 20-20 vision) but because want to prevent eye-sight from deteriorating as will be working with computer screens (which emit harmful rays) ALOT. Maybe might look more intelligent with anti-glare glasses (no one would really know that glasses are not functional and merely for vanity sake). Some girls dig glasses on guys... so aren't there guys that dig glasses on girls?

Capricorn (23 Dec - 20 Jan)
Today remains a very good day giving you the opportunity to win status and loyalty from others, and you can explore into new areas that may very quickly produce long-term opportunities. The Moon in Capricorn can expand your horizons, so it may be a good day to make the attempt to meet up with new contacts. A strong Mars position gives you the energy and luck, while a strong Saturn position can give you support. It becomes a busy day so be prepared for last minute appointments. A good day to socialise and to travel.

[What the f***! So much for my puffy eyes and bleak out look on life.]

How is it after I've planned how I want to do things I always end up doing stuff my parents wanted me to do?
How is it after 2 years of missing home I am suffocating within the four walls of my house?
Why is it when all the hype about going to the University of my dreams dies down, do I start panicking about starting life all over again?
What kind of girl goes out for a movie with a guy who's attached?
What kind of boyfriend goes out for a movie with a girl he's hardly kept in touch with after spraining his ankle?
Why do I still read my horoscope when it is so bloody off point?!!

I just indentified a whole bunch of grammatical mistakes in my last blog. *tears at hair* THIS is precisely what happens when you become a full time science student in Singapore! Warning to any future ASEAN scholars: Do not attempt to communicate with the locals... it could be hazardous to your own speech! You start to speak in a droning tone and freely punctuate your sentences with 'liao', 'wahlau' and smatterings of hokkien and mandarin words (most common are 'chio bu', 'yan dao', 'dao', 'tiao')

Why do I have this feeling that blogger has censored my last blog? Did I miss something in the small print?

Last night I saw an aura around the moon... well it looked like that, a faint ring of light around the full moon. Not really sure what it meant, so I asked xiaokai, grace and sachpal to check the moon. No one came back with the same view of the moon. Hmm...

All I know is that I’m here
Living out a million other’s dreams
Yet I’m facing rock bottom
And I can’t even see the top
Let alone reach it

I haven't checked my mailbox for 4 days and voila! it is stack full with 115 junk mails telling me things like: 'she would stay if it were huge' and 'make it longer' (how the hell do you make something longer that isn't there in the first place?) and 'sloppy naked teens' (now, I know sloppy teens are bad, I mean I was definitely a sloppy teen before... but naked?? Now come on! That's too much for me to bear!). At the rate I am being encouraged to view perfect strangers 'getting it on' I think the world is getting sicker by the minute.
Now don't start saying "You PRUDE!". I accept the fact that all guys watch porn or have watched porn before and I don't throw the book at them for it. I accept the need for guys to sit around and talk about it in the most vulgar of circumstances (10 guys in a tent on top of Mt. Ophir come to mind... it's ironic that the 'decent' guys who didn't want to be included in the conversation were snuggling in a tent with 3 girls!) . I appreciate the fact that some guys are open enough to talk about it in front of me (although I'd appreciate it more if they minimised the "Charlotte, so how does a tampon work?" followed by guffaws, questions!). I also abhor the "So how far have you gone?" questions. Does no one respect privacy anymore?
I can't remember what my point was in the first place. Way too many interruptions in between. Oh darn... I just left my mailbox alone for a few hours and already someone's trying to catch my eye with naked hot chicks? Why are they no mails on naked hot blokes? These porn mails are SO sexist!

Angels stand outside my window
Calling and beckoning to my stone back
My tears drown out their voices
And I can’t feel at all.

The POEMS have returned! Here are some of my most utterly crap work! Written during my first 6 months in Singapore. *Sigh* those first 6 excrutiating months... a whirlwind of experiences. You can't imagine what a horrible ordeal it was for me to travel down to this tiny island all alone without knowing ANYBODY!
Psst... I'll let you in on a little secret. I HATE meeting new people!!! I am unbelievably shy and uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially if they are oozing with confidence and vigour. So much for being an 'interactor'. And many of you probably didn't know that the whole idea of going to a place where I didn't know a single person scared the hell out of me! It didn't help that I hadn't been to Singapore since I was 5! How I survived the initial first week is till this day a mystery to me because throughout that one week I felt like I wanted to run home!
Ok now that I've just talked a whole bunch of goobledeegook... I will try (I said TRY) to publish the poems I wrote in chronological order so that you can venture into the trials and tribulations of a scholar's life in Singapore...

Waiting is akin
To time rushing by
As buses pass you by
And the sky’s silver lining
Turns a threatening shade of grey
How much longer must I go on waiting?

When I first arrived in Singapore, I brought along the bare minimum. All my party clothes, my hair accesories, my make-up kit, anything that spoke of LIFE was left at home. My job here was to study and get through 2 years and come home. That's when the whole concept of waiting came to bear such a heavy weight on my mind. I found myself just waiting for 2 years to be up. And my life literally turned grey (It was the rainy season... and waking up every morning knowing that I will arrive at school half drenched and spend the entire day walking around in soggy socks was very very trying!). The phenomenon of travelling by bus (something I NEVER did in Malaysia) brought its own troubles which included walking to the bus stop only to find the bus you want pass you on the way and there is no way of chasing after it because this is Singapore and buses ONLY stop at bus stops (what do you think they are called that for?). The most ridiculous thing I ever did was miss 3 buses WHILE I was at a bus stop because I was so busy talking!!!
Anyhow, it was a good thing I woke up and decided that I shouldn't waste 2 years being a nerd. Ew!

1. What time is it? 7:16pm
2. Nickname? Charl? And that's because all of you are plain lazy to say SH-AR-L-ERT in full!
3. Parent's names? Teck Chai & Lai Ching (this would be a dangerous and stupid thing to volunteer in the presence of Odacians)
4. Number of candles on last cake? 20
5. Date that you regularly blow them out? 10th of January
6. Hair colour? Black, black, black... er... and black... (I checked in the mirror for your benefit)
7. How much do you love your job? Well, bumming around is only good for the first 2 months...
8. Favourite food? Anything that I don't have to foot the bill for
9. Hometown? SS2, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia
10. Current residence? Like I'm going to tell you! Oh... wait! I did! Refer above
11. Been to Africa? Well, that depends... do you believe in out of body experiences?
12. Been toilet papering? No... but I learnt how to throw toilet paper into shower stalls while certain people are taking baths... (winks at Shan'er)
13. Have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Erm... if you did I recommend you see a good counselor... if it persists... see a psychiatrist, immediately!
14. Been in a car accident? No
15. Croutons or bacon bits? Neither. I can't take meat in the mornings
16. Sprite or Seven-up? I wonder why they even bother to have different brands! Talk about perfect substitutability! (Heh! I'm learning my econs well aren't I?)
17. Favourite Movie? Maybe Dead Poet's Society, maybe The Sound of Music, maybe even both X-men movies, maybe Chicago!
18. Favourite holiday? Any holiday that involves angpows or presents
19. Favourite day of the week? FRIDAY! Only night I don't feel pressured to do homework!
20. Favourite restaurant? If you're taking me there and treating me to a meal... that's definitely my favourite restaurant
21. Favourite toothpaste? How can anyone be fussy about toothpaste?
22. Favourite flower? Lilies and carnations
23. Favourite drink? Soya bean milk
24. Favourite sport to watch? Odac guys arm wrestling (it never fails to be hilarious... esp if some girls are involved too! grin)... actually, Odac guys taupok-ing is even more entertaining!
25. Preferred type of ice cream? English Toffee
26. Favourite Sesame Street Character? Ernie and Rubber Ducky!
26a. Favourite Muppet character? The poor stagehands who always end up in some accident or another
27. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney... I'm a sucker for happy endings
28. Favourite fast food restaurant? Genki Sushi in Singapore... it's what I call Japanese fast food... because there is no faster way of getting food then when it's on a moving belt in front of you!
29. Who is the last person you got e-mail from? If I told you I'd have to kill you... oh but nevermind, Anushia isn't *that* important a person
30. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If you ever saw me freak out when I forgot to wear my school badge to school, you'd know that question will never apply to me!
31. In what single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Urban & Co. (in Singapore... not here!)
32. What do you do most often when you are bored? I start thinking... which goes to show that I'm hardly ever bored!
33. Who is the friend that you are sending this e-mail to that lives the farthest away? Not applicable
34. Bedtime? No way! Not with you!
35. Who will respond to this message the quickest? Usually the Captain
36. Who is the least likely to respond? Sachpal, because he hates blogs
37. Favourite TV show? Scrubs! Friday Nights! 11pm! TV3! (If you're in Singapore it's Channel 5, Monday nights at 11pm) I'm telling you, you MUST watch it!
38. Last movie you saw? Lizzie Macguire The Movie... please somebody, shoot me!
39. Tattoos? tempting...
40. Favourite colour? Tanned skin...
41. Time finished: 8:43pm (so give me a break! I had dinner in between)

I'm sorry if anyone tuned in to the previous edition of my mother's day entry. It was unfinished and not meant to be read yet.
I just killed 3 mosquitoes, one after the other. I believe my house is infested!
I found some poems dating from my early days in Singapore. I'll put them up soon.
Stay tuned!

So as your mother sows, daughters will reap

Of every 10 Sunday morning masses I attend at St. Francis Xavier church, I'm usually late 8 times. Thus my brother and I are relegated to standing at the left wing of the church which I have named the Children's Corner. Why? Because crying, screaming toddlers and children that run about are not attractive in the main section of the church. Thus their parents are relegated to the open-air left wing of the church where their precious tots can scream till they're blue in the face and mummy or daddy can quickly hoist them over the shoulder and run towards the car-park without causing many heads to turn.
Yes I don't like kids. Yes I'm planning on having minimal or none at all. Yes I'll make a pretty scary mum.
Back to Sunday mass... I was watching these kids today (although I PROMISE I heard every word of the homily ok! You can test me!) and their mothers and I realised there were such distinct differences between these kids even though all of them were hardly older than 6 years. Now I have known these kids for the past 5 years. I saw them come into church as toddlers and babies, as their mothers took what was to become their permanent seats in the children's corner... and even after my 2 years in Singapore, I still recognise these kids and their personalities that haven't changed since I left, and neither have their mothers.
Take for example Mum number one. I call her the funky mum. She's probably in her early 30s and she looks confident and pleasant with a really cool short spiky hair-do that tells me she's definitely a new generation type of mother. She's always dressed in comfy young stuffy (baby-tees, nice fitting pants, denims...) and au naturel make up. In fact if it wasn't for her mild-mannered looking husband that reminds me of Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes, I think this woman bears a striking similarity to Cherie! And she has these 2 lovely little girls that look extremely like her, and already at that young age they completely take after her. They are dressed in bright coloured t-shirts and cute little 3-quarters and look nice and comfy. And they are very comfortable with themselves too. They're never attention seeking and they're all nice and smiley and never scream. Except for the fact that they like to bring their colouring books to church and play with little toy cars around the toes of fellow parishioners, they could graduate into the main section of the church with no trouble at all! Way to go, mum!
Now on to mum number 2. I call her the bitchy mum. She looks exactly like every tarty KL secretary would look (no offense to KL secretaries), long ironed-straight hair, perfectly manicured long nails, clothes that try too hard (i.e. tight, short and tighter) and a perpetual "I smell something bad" look on her face. She has two kids. A boy and a girl. Now if I had her kids I would have spanked them, and locked them up WITHOUT bread and water until they promised to behave. They whine! They talk loudly! They fight! And they disturb everyone else! And then they run back to mum, and what does mum do? She just brushes them aside. She doesn't even look at them. If they tug at her arm she shrugs them off and pretends they're not there. When they go "Mum! Mum!" she doesn't answer. And since mum is nonchalant... so are the little monsters to the rest of the church. And the clothes those kids wear just scream brand names into our faces. The little girl today was dressed in one of those pretty but hot and stuffy frocks (that I used to wear when I was small and would saintly bear the itchiness because I was a terribly vain little girl) and would look like an angel if she wasn't reading the church bulletin out loud. Attention seeking mum, attention seeking kids... not a pretty picture!
Now mums number 3, 4 and 5 are the partridge family. They are all either sisters or sisters-in-law (I really can't tell... they are just one BIG family inclusive of grandma as the family matriarch) and I have been watching their brood of kids expand over the past 5 years (I think it totals 5 right now and 2 of the mums are pregnant again). Now it's really sweet the way they come to church as a family and sit together and look after each other's kids till I can't tell which kid belongs to whom. And as for the kids, it's so cute to see the way the older cousin takes the hand of her younger struggling toddler cousin and walks them around the church compound while mummy and daddy listen to the homily. Or when the baby cries, the cousins immediately come round to entertain it and stop it from wailing (some times it succeeds some times it doesn't... well there's only so much that baby's can take of hot Sunday mornings). And just as their parents look part of the affluently well dressed yet modest church crowd, so are the kids nicely dressed in smart Alice in Wonderland type of pinafores or dresses complete with Mary Jane shoes or little neatly pressed shirts tucked into little shorts and sit quietly in the church pews or else wander around on their own when they start to get fidgety. Now that's a clan of mothers to be proud of.
I also noticed during mass that all the husbands of mums number 1 to number 5 were almost similar in mien and character, that even clones would have more differing personalities. Therefore as a science student would my hypothesis that mum's are a critical factor in a child's personality hold true? I definitely think so (and so does my mum)
Today, I fought with my mother. She said I was too critical and blatant when I speak. I told her I talk just like her. We ended up apologising to each other.
Daughters will become their mothers. It's like a vicious cycle of life.
Happy Mother's Day

Berkeley University in California has banned students from China, Hong Kong and Singapore. Lets all have a moment of silence for my kiasu college mates who wanted to go to Berkeley.

I took the X-men test. I'm Gambit.
HUH?
Mysterious? Hard to get close to people? er... I'm not sure about this one. I wanted to be Rogue!

And the storm clouds roll nearer...

Everyone seems to be in a depressed mood lately. (When I say everyone I'm actually making a reference to my Singaporean and ASEAN friends... so sorry if I left you out). It's that season where you realise that :
a) You've made it into the University of your dreams and you have the grades to go... BUT there's this BIG problem about obtaining enough funds and scholarships and grants won't even give you a glance
b) You've made it into the University of your dreams but you're grades which were slightly off the mark just meant you missed the boat and you'll have take up your second choice in a course you don't want to do
c) You didn't make it into the University of your dreams, nor the course that you wanted... what the hell were they telling you when you were 10 years old and that you should always follow your dreams?
d) You just don't know where you are going right now... everything is bent on making your agony last longer as you hang in limbo...
It's a very very depressing season for us... (warning!!! the following is going to sound very arrogant)
We are the top scholars in our respective countries. We've studied in the top colleges in Singapore. And we aren't just brilliant at studying... we represent our colleges in stuff ranging from dance to electronics and olympiads... AND we've worked our asses off for those sparkling grades!
But... then we have just been cruelly brought back down to earth and realise that, hey! no one gets anywhere in this world without cash in the bank. Sigh...
And I'm feeling incredibly guilty for getting into the university of my dreams (2 of them in fact!), with less than sparkling grades and on a Goverment scholarship/loan at that...

Charm, Sherene, Venki, Baa, Hooi Ying, Yi Lin, Maggie... I'm praying for you guys...

I'm back!

And I'm raging mad!!! This morning I was kicked out of my sports club's library for... get this... wearing a SHORT SKIRT!!??!!
Alright, everyone knows I'm no rebel! I'm a stickler for rules 24-7! I grow pale when I'm asked to skip a lecture to attend important ODAC meetings (which I only did twice at most!). I always wore my uniform to perfection, buckle was always in place, kancing was never open. My hair accesories were always the right colour. My shoes the right shade. I even always wore the right socks to school... and in RJ, I NEVER had my shirt tucked out! It'd kill me to break any rule (except that coming late to school bit).
Even today, I checked every bit of my appearance before I entered the library. Now the library has some ridiculous rules... No shorts, no singlets, no sports skirts, no sleeveless blouses and no sweaty attire (which is fine by me although I think it's a little on the extremist side). So I walked right in, put my bag down and proceeded to the magazine section when I was stopped by the librarian who said "I'm sorry you can't wear shorts in the library". I looked down at my skirt (appr. 4 inches above my knees), "But I'm not wearing shorts! Are you blind or are you just uneducated enough not to know the difference?" Ok I didn't say the last bit, but I should have. The librarian (a young, Malay, dull witted looking bit-- ok I'm getting carried away) looked at me again and said, "I'm sorry, we don't allow skirts." I stared back at her and said "But that's not what it says on the club rules which are pasted on the library doors. There is NO rule saying I can't wear a skirt into the library". The young librarian gave a furtive glance at an older librarian wearing a tudung and glaring at me (what?? jealous?? Give me a break... just because I have a perkier ass than you do!) and turned back to me and said, "But mini skirts are not allowed". It was then that all hell broke lose! I have not worn a mini skirt since I was 15 and had skinny legs to my advantage... and I do believe that I have matured in my dressing and do not prance around KL in anything that would reveal more flesh than needs be!
"Mini skirt?? This is not a mini skirt! I have been allowed into the library many times before wearing skirts and it is NOT in your club rules!"
Without flinching the librarian had the audacity to reply, "If you don't leave I'm going to have to ask my boss to scold you."
Scold me??? How old does she think I am? Five?
"Fine!" I said "I'm going to complain" and under my breath "You'd better pray hard that I don't just make you lose your job"
I stormed out of the library, went straight to the club front desk, made a written complaint, then went straight to the hall where my mother was doing her line dancing and garnered support from all the aunties in the room who assured me that I was right in what I had done, telephoned my dad to whine until he agreed to see that my complain was looked into... and now I'm typing out a blog to vent my frustration!
I should wear a tag around me that says... think twice before accosting me and claiming that I have broken a rule! I will cause all hell to break lose for you!
But what I feel that I have been more wrongfully accused of is dressing in a way that was acceptable. I understand that some people think that sleeveless clothes are indecent. I'd understand if the hem of my skirt was just below my butt. And I totally agree that you shouldn't enter the library after you've just had a hearty game of tennis and are practically leaving a trail of sweat. But I don't see what is wrong with a young girl like me entering a library to do some reading (in these days when everyone complains that the young don't read enough) dressed in a t-shirt with sleeves and a skirt and proper shoes. For goodness sake! I thought I had a right to be proud that I'm living in KL and NOT Kelantan! Or maybe I've been mistaken all this while! Are you next going to insist that I can only enter the library if I'm wearing something completely unflattering? Or wait... that I can only enter the library if I look worse than the librarian. And I'm sorry that I make a skirt look good on me even if its slightly shorter than the length of my college skirt! I'm sorry that looks like a mini skirt to you, just because you have a skewed view of what is indecent!

I don't believe in best friends
A tryst is not a trust
I don't believe in true love
There's only room for lust
I don't believe in dreams
They turn ugly in the end
I don't believe in fairness
Things just twist and bend

I do believe in true friends
I believe that you are one
I do believe in giving love
It hurts when there is none
I do believe in living today
As if it were the last
I do believe in life itself
Plan tomorrow, forget the past

I don't have a best friend. I gave up on such things a long time ago. I'm sceptical about true love... unfortunately I've learnt love and lust have just got to work together somehow. I hate dreams, you always have to wake up. And things are never fair, as today has proven once again!

Where have all the poems gone?

Poetry is MIA at the moment. Because I can't find them.
Charlotte is also MIA at the moment. Because she can't find herself.

Don't go anywhere. We will return right after the break.

And just for the sake of saying it... I'm leaving the colour scheme as it is... I can't be bothered to change it no more... not when my comp hangs every 20 minutes or so...

Bloggers in Crime

Once upon a time there was Grace's blog. I read it and thought "How the hell does Grace say what she says with a straight face?". It's not difficult to picture Grace with her perfectly eloquent voice (albeit with a slight sardonic tinge) and serious eyes as she tells you what she has to say... and Grace never minces words about anything. But if you're not quick enough you won't catch the wicked grin she flashes after she's spoken. That's Grace's blog.
Then there was Xiaokai's blog... discovered when I wasn't supposed to discover it...
****** flashback to the past ******
"... but Xiaokai! It's a bloody public blog! Why am I not supposed to read it? Elitist, is it? Everyone can read except me!"
***** flashback to the present *****
... and it was nice to know that the guy who sat with you throughout boring Physics lectures, drew pigs on your physics notes (not very good ones at that... the pigs, I mean) and plotted evil scams in Cantonese with you, is actually a thinker, a seer, and has more to say than I ever gave him credit for. That's Xiaokai's blog.
Then there was the *She*Shu*Shueh* group blog, a blog that revolved around the mad trio of Chinese High Boarding School... Sherene, Shu Chen & Shueh Min... and our fellow boarders in crime... and our blog gave us the chance to connect and yell and scream about A levels and laugh and cry about ourselves and to just come out and say something whenever we felt like it. "Blog! Blog! Blog!" That's our group blog.
Then there was my blog... I took everything I admired from those blogs and brewed it into my Poetry Attic... MY blog... all mine! And it was supposed to be a secret... a private diary of my mind... and yes I can hear echoes of "... but Xiaokai! It's a public blog!". So what happens when you are discovered? Or when you discover that you have been discovered? That people are actually reading what you have to say when you thought the whole world had shut you out and couldn't care about your existence?
You keep on blogging and ignore the passer-bys... that's what you do...

The Shakespeare Innuendoes
Last night I watched 'The Complete Works of Shakespeare' as performed by that trio from Australia. If you haven't watched it... too bad! It's ending this Sunday and it's not worth missing! Go get tickets NOW!
First shock of the night: What the hell! My brother has bumped into 3 friends already and I don't even see anyone I know here!
Second shock of the night: All my brother's friends are taller than me! Where have those days gone when I could still look down at them and call them "BOYS!"
Third shock of the night: Bloody hell... it's 8:30 pm already and they still haven't dimmed the lights or told us to switch off our handpho - OH MY GOODNESS! It's Abdullah Badawi!! The acting Prime Minister and his family are coming in... and they're sitting just across from me... LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!
Fourth shock of the night: Shakespeare was a horny bastard... or else he was definitely portrayed as one. The amount of sexual innuendos I witnessed last night... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.... but I decided I shouldn't be a prude...

Best scene of the night: A tie between Othello's rap and Hamlet performed backwards!