The Motorola Trainee's Week: Continued

Wednesday
"It's the middle of the week! It's the middle of the week!"
Kavi is only restrained from dancing around the line by the constrictions of the smock
"What's he got to be so happy about?"
"Soo San's on leave..."
"He's not the only one with a supervisor who's on leave. Vivien and Fong strolled in at 9 this morning!!!"
Kavi returns with a downcast look and a megazine of substrates
"She's not on leave after all" *mutters* "BIG project she said... very important, Kavi... a major responsibility she said... and what am I doing now? Wire peel and Wire pull tests! 30 test per unit! 20 units per megazine!" *breaks down and cries on the wire pull machine*
Li Ling shrugs "At least you're not searching for foreign matter on the dies"
"Weren't you all ready to confront Soo San on giving you mind-numbing operator type jobs?"
"Have YOU ever SEEN her? I've been her trainee for a month and I've never seen her SMILE!"
*mutters* "and I bet she eats little children for breakfast too"

Thursday
"We've been in the cafeteria for an hour!"
"Who cares? Your supervisor won't miss you"
"But break is only 20 minutes"
"Oh really..."
Fong returns from his 4th trip to the food line
"Haiyah, it takes 10 minutes to walk from office to cafeteria and 10 minutes to walk back. Lidat, 20 minutes gone already!"
"Oh my gosh!! There's foreign matter in my guava!!"
"Relax Li Ling... relax! Foreign matter only occurs on dies ok... only on the dies..."
"psst... they're really killing her spirit aren't they?"

Friday
Trainees are walking with little springs attached to their shoes
Everyone is working with a noticeable increase in efficiency... no one is puking because of the scopes
"9 more hours to the weekend! Can you feel it? Can you just feel it?"
"I don't care! Today I'm leaving at 5:30 sharp! I don't care if the ovens don't work! I am Going Home!"
"What if Dom needs you to stay?"
"He's a grown man... he can take care of himself!"
"Lets go for a 2 hour lunch break"
"But we already had a 2 hour lunch break yesterday... AND its not very discrete when 5 trainees leave the office together!"
"Why are you walking that way? The exit is here..."
"And so is my boss's office! I'm trying to avoid her! Duh!"
"Wow! It's 5:15 already? Hey! Where's everybody????"
Pin drop silence plays in the background...

** disclaimer **
All names mentioned are real, most situations and conversations are not (except for the part about the clocks standing still for eternity)...
Erm... and if anyone mentioned above chances upon my blog... I think all you trainees are great, and I wouldn't survive here without you guys and hey! I know I didn't exactly put in the whole truth, but I didn't really want to scare any future Motorola trainees. =)

The Motorola Trainee's Week: From Bungee Jumping Into Hell and Back Again...

Monday
A blood curdling scream fills the air.
"It's the damned ovens! They're using it for production! I'll never get to use them! My precious ovens! ... my precious..."
"psst.... Li Ling's having Monday Daymares"
"AND nightmares... the ovens haunt her after sunset"
Kavi proudly produces his MC and medication
"Monday symptoms? AGAIN??"
"Hey! I it takes alot of effort to work for my MC ok?"
The hands of the office clock obstinately remain stationary (stationery? I can never get this right!)
"Huh?" wail "It's only 10:30?"
After an eternity
"What? It's only 10:35??"
"Save us the suspense, Charlotte"

Tuesday
"Is it Wednesday today?"
"Don't get our hopes up, Charlotte, it's only Tuesday"
"Damn!"
"Where were you during break?"
"I didn't get one! At 9:30 my supervisor said 'Lets go!' and instead of heading to the cafeteria, we went to the line! She tricked me! She did!"
"It's just not your day"
"WHEN is it MY day?"
"Never... and if I were you I wouldn't eat that second piece of chicken... haven't you got to use the scopes later?"
"Oh NO! I'm going to puke in the line if they make me use the scopes!"
"Well, that's the spirit! Contaminate the line and we'll all get half the day off!! Yay!"
Images of trainees doing a jig while I puke in the line runs through my head...

** shall finish this later... after I get inspiration from watching Li Ling wrestle the operators for the ovens... **

After 4 weeks of working as a trainee engineer I've decided that the best job for me is to be a data entry clerk. It's simple, it requires no creativity whatsoever and... I find keying in numericals rather therapeutic.

Working life is pushing me to the brink!

--------------------------------

I almost came close to believing that the significance of some friendships are inversely related to time. Years ago we could talk about anything under the sun. We shared problems and gave advice and shared hopes and secrets... then gradually the conversations began to lull, the meetings less frequent, the things we talked about became more trivial - along the lines of "so whats up?" "nothing much, u?" "i'm ok" "ok, that's good"... but last night I discovered some friendships are like sinusoidal waves... with crests and troughs (this is a very crappy analogy but it was the first one that came to mind... I DO NOT miss SHM!). Just when you think some friendships have reached rock bottom, you hear an excited voice on the other end... waiting to tell you the good news, the things that have been on their minds, the advice they need to hear, or just asking for a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. *Grin* want me to draw a friendship graph for you?

You needed a friend last night, I just needed to feel needed.

Am suffering from weekend hangover... thus resulting in Monday blues. I can never function properly on Mondays. I wake up wondering where the hell I am and what is that stupid ringing sound coming from my clock?? I then end up at the office thinking what a miracle it is that I didn't crash my car on the way and try to clear the fuzziness in my head with a cup of too-sweet milo. I can't take coffee... it does weird things to my entire system... which already goes bonkus on Mondays. The labs are too cold, the work is too monotonous, the powerscopes make me nauseous, the lamps are making me dizzy...

The trip down to Singapore was my great getaway from everything in KL. Odacia was fun. Meeting with batch mates, seniors, juniors, the ancient ones... you can't help feeling as if you never left RJ at all! It feels good to know that there are some things that are still constant even when everything around you is changing. Greg will still be showing off at the rock wall. Xinyi will still leave her things around for us to hide. Batch XVII girls will still find it difficult to get all five of us together for a girl photo. Certain people will still be making ngai zai jokes. Sarah will still be loud and on. Leroy will still be more energetic than the 9 batches after his. Batch XVII will still be trying to prove their worth on the floorball court (albeit we ARE getting old and out of touch, and I nearly died after only 2 minutes!).

Discovered that clubbing isn't my cup of tea, or coffee, hot chocolate... or even milo. Loud, wild, brazen scenes just aren't my thing... as Greg, Anu and Sugi rightly predicted. There really isn't any point in dressing up for it when nothing but white shows up under UV lights. I don't get house music at all... and well, there were reasons why my ballet teacher asked me to drop ballet, so dancing... or rather bopping to the beat... is just not for me either. Alcohol had absolutely no effect on me... felt as sober as when I woke up that morning... but that's probably because I didn't drink enough. Verdict? Clubbing is over-rated! I'll stick to my quiet little cafes, with my simple hot cocoa with gallons of whipped cream and tiramisu cakes! mmmmm....

Had more fun meeting up with the Charm, Sherene, Baa and Venki... who all had seriously interesting stories to tell. *ahem* Strange things are happening at NUS!

Some holidays feel so packed and yet too short... you never do get to do everything you want to do... If I could, I'd want to walk down every path on memory lane, just in case I never return again... but wishful thinking is a terrible fault of mine. I'll be back soon, I hope!

Going down to Singapore tomorrow. Will be back on Sunday. Need a break. Miss Odac. Too. Tired. To.

Utter...

Another...

Word.

Half my time at motorola is spent walking up and down the assembly line asking the operators, "Kak, kamu ada guna kerusi ini tak?".
For all the billions motorola earns, its almost cruel that they won't spend it on putting enough chairs at the assembly line and thus all workers will (I suspect) succumb to osteoporosis, spine degeneration and weak knees due to long, long hours of standing in front of machines! (I haven't even taken into account the effects of being in a confined environment where UV rays and chemical gases are being emitted 24 hours a day). The only answer the operators give me when I start to whine is "Adik, you pandai pandai lah jaga diri. Bila ada peluang mesti curi kerusi untuk sendiri..."

The working world has taught me the virtue of being sneaky and looking after my own interests first.

Ironically... today I have so much work to do that I even skipped morning break!
*rumbling stomach*

Yesterday's lost post:


my kite

i once wished for a kite
that would be twice my height
to fly away fly away in the sky
and i'd ride on my bike
as i pull its tail tight
and we'd fly with the wind by and by
now here in this room
sits unavoidable gloom
watching a kite fly away fly away in my mind
with my eyes shut close
i'll see on the tip of my nose
my kite and my bike
on a windy ride
leaving me far away far away behind

~ "spluttered outbursts" said the bored trainee at work

"some horrible news i just found out today"

"erm... the suicide case you mean?"

"i went back to sch today and read the grief in the cb..."

"oh gosh...was it someone close to the j2s?"

"oh you mean you don't know who??"

"no.. i just heard it was a girl. who was it?"

"you know... the one who dropped out (of odac) because of her nus talentime commitment...
the one who went to east timor...
the one who always wore a smile on her face...
the one who eventually joined council..."

"oh GAWD! not HER!!"


when you hear about tragedies like this you try to distance yourself from it... its just easy to think that it was some poor, stressed out girl who just couldn't cope with exam and/or peer pressures of RJ... and then you discover out of the blue... it was someone you knew... and the most unlikely person of all... and suddenly you feel a connection through those few times you spoke... to her... about her... you didn't really know her... but still you're connected by more than just belonging to the same college...
i remember greg saying he had a good feeling about you being an odacian... and i fought with greg about giving you a second chance... in the end, you proved me right... and you went on to the greenest pastures in college (student council)... and we never did forgive you for rejecting odac for it, although we couldn't really be angry because you had such a cheerful disposition... but what i felt so strongly a year and a half ago now seems so silly and petty... i'm sorry...
and i really wonder what could have pushed you so far to the edge that you had to take your own life. i guess it only proves that the smile on the exterior just plays mask to inner scars and you just never know...

I've been doing magic in the office.
Technically its illegal for muggles to perform any sort of magic, but I think the ministry of magic will let me go on this one (after all if we're talking about the MALAYSIAN ministry of magic here... it can't be that efficient... they'll probably send a warning to some poor confused fellow in kuala pillah on charges of being an unregistered bomoh).
I discovered this little bit of magic a few days ago when some trainees were talking about it over lunch. Here in Motorola, trainees aren't particularly nit-picky about hiding little secret spells that help them get their jobs done... and more importantly help to bide their boring hours while hiding from supervisors. This particular spell is called Ghostzilla. The purpose of the spell is to prevent supervisors from snooping on you to check that you aren't wasting precious company time surfing the net. But since I'm getting paid a measly salary, I can't be particularly bothered about doing things by the book here.
Using Ghostzilla is so easy, you'd swear it's magic... which it is, of course *ahem*. All I need is my magical mouse. Now, I could be working on my calculations in, say, Microsoft Excel, and once I'm sure that my supervisors aren't looking, I quickly flick my mouse left-right-left across the screen and voila! a browser pops up within my Excel screen. Now, my supervisors will still think I'm hard at work, doing my statistics, because if they just glance at me, they'll still be able to see the Excel Taskbar at the top of my screen. Meanwhile, my browser window has transformed into a black and white or grey scale document, so that from afar it looks like I'm still typing out my report. But if I hover my magical mouse pointer over my pictures, they turn coloured again. And if my supervisors suddenly decide to swoop down on me for a surprise visit, all I have to do is move my mouse pointer to the top of the screen and in the blink of an eye, my original work is restored with not a trace of my browser... even in the taskbar! And after my supervisor leaves, its left-right-left with the mouse again and my browser window appears just as I left it.
Now, isn't that simply magical?

[to be sung to the tune of 'I've been working on the railroad']

i've been working in the fact'ry line
only the whole damn day
i've been measuring little wires
there's gotta be a better way
this involves no innovation,
no techniques, skill, nor my brain
my mind is grad-u-ally rotting
i fear i'll go insane


** all rights reserved ** all critical comments too **

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I'm currently absorbed in inspecting a hideous rash that has developed around my ring finger. Is there a possibility that I'm allergic to 925 silver? Or just rings that are too tight?

Time has a very funny way of passing you by. In the mornings it almost seems as if the hands of my watch are stationary, but after lunch break... time seems to whizz off like a roller-coaster and I am running, huffing and puffing, after it as I try to fit as many things as I can into it before it whizzes of again. And then there are parts of there day where I seem to have pockets of time that appear here and there... and I really wonder what to do with them, and by the time I've decided what to do... I'm left with no time at all.


I've done it again haven't I? I've miffed you off, and I don't know why. No, I have an inkling... but I'm still confused. Am I really that lacking in EQ? Till I can't understand what lesson you're trying to teach me here? I don't think I deserve this punishment.

*grin*

I am now the proud owner of an Olympus Stylus 300 Digital Camera.
That's 3.2 megapixels. That's 3X optical lens. That's 16MB + 64MB of memory. That's more than I know how to deal with.

n.b. - the camera is a going away gift from my uncle who fears that I am not high tech enough for London... *shrug*

I shall now declare Saturdays as my "give me a break! I work 5 days a week from 8-5:30!" day! This is my official decree!
No one is to wake me up any earlier than 9am.
No one is to interrupt my tedious morning beauty routine
No one is to tell me to get out of the bathroom because I've spent an entire hour just tending to my hair
No one is to serve me breakfast that isn't decent
and...
No one is to tell me what to do the whole day!

Except my mummy. Just because.

I need to store this link here for awhile... 'cos I don't have anywhere else to put it...
Odac Room Pics
The wave of nostalgia that just passed over me when I looked at the pictures was overwhelming... funny how pictures of 8" by 8" sketchbooks full of nonsensical philosophising agonising argumenting empathising encouraging scribbles can make me feel like I wish we could do it all over again. Maybe to outsiders it was just a lot of verbal garbage and cows and pigs... but to us... we were recording friendships, feelings, and our vivacious teenage lives.
Once an Odacian, Forever an Odacian...

Funny how looking at old Interact stuff doesn't tug at the same heart strings.

Friday Fives.
It's not Friday, but I'm bored and feel like boring you anyway...

1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
Must have been in kindergarten. I think her name is Carmen, I don't even remember her surname. But I can clearly remember her face... her five year old face... chubby and smiley and dimpled. I still keep a photo of us, taken before she left kindergarten. There's Carmen, all smiles and dimples, and then there's me... pretending to look bored and pouting and affected, giving the impression that taking photos was beneath me. I don't know why I did that! I wish I didn't...

2. Are you still in touch with this person?
No. I don't know where she is now and I would be the least likely person to recognise her even if she turned out to be my next door neighbour or similar.

3. Do you have a current close friend?
Greg's my closest friend. Period.

4. How did you become friends with this person?
Well... you go hiking and running and climbing and kayaking and abseiling together and see where that leads you. Most likely to 3 hour long chats at the hawker centre or jumping on buses just to see where they go or sms-ing till 3 in the morning to keep each other awake while studying for Physics tests. I think that's how you become close friends... taking an interest, talking, trusting and caring...

5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?
Plenty! I often wonder what happened to my friends in kindergarten... like Kristin whom I played 'gangsters' with, or Ken who sat with me during story time. I guess maintaining kindergarten friendships isn't expected of you... all the same, its not like I'm doing a very good job of maintaining friendships now. Then there are friends who just one day disappeared from my life without warning, like Adrian who was in my Taekwon-do class, and friends from Standard 6 whom I never saw again the day I left SSP. Even now as I watch secondary school friends spread further and further away like the outer circles of a ripple... I still can't make the effort to contact them. Ironic that globalisation is bringing everyone else closer... not for me. In the words of one wise pighead...

"How maintaining relationship is an art ---- one realised by few ; practised by less ; mastered by none -- and moreover appreciated by all."

My daddy has been hospitalised for severe leg pain and possibly pinched nerves caused by his last slip disk.

Most of my life I've always thought of my parents as indestructable beings (who would possibly live forever if they didn't keep saying we 3 kids would be the death of them). But the idea of my dad lying in a hospital (hospitable?) bed for a week is unbearable. My daddy has been an athelete and a sportsman for most of his life (which is needless to say that I, his firstborn, was a dissapointment when at the age of 2 it was obvious I had very poor hand-foot-eye coordination). Even in his 50s, my daddy is still regularly playing badminton and tennis 2-3 times a week and golf on the weekends. But now we're waiting for the doctors to tell us what is wrong with my Daddy's legs. I can't help but worry due to my lack of bio knowledge... and I cannot imagine an immobile daddy. The biggest nightmare for a sportsman has to be the loss of the use of they're limbs. I don't want it to be that way for my daddy, and yet the whole family has to accept that neither of my parents are getting any younger (they're old parents to begin with)... and that old age comes with weakness, pain, diseases... and eventually death.

And just after I told Daryan that I swear I've been blogging consistently... I find I have no time to blog, or rather nothing to say. There's been a hell lot of interesting stuff in the papers lately, but I haven't had the time to peruse it carefully as I used to, back in the old days (ok... 2 weeks ago!) when I had perfectly good mornings to waste lying in bed instead of collecting data in an astronaut suit in a cold lab.
I had an absolutely packed... and fattening... weekend. Beginning with friday night, when Greg arrived after travelling 7 hours at the crowded out and sleazy Pudu Raya station (on the way home, we discovered the existence of University Kuala Lumpur. "Huh?" you say? Well, of course no one knows about it... it's only lit up at night!) and feasted on crabs, satay and yee meen. Woke up the next morning at the bright and early hour of 9am (that's early for Greg... the OCS guy... *shrug*) and straight away drove to O&S for a breakfast of Curry Laksa, Popiah, Chee Cheong Fun and Indian Rojak. Then went to USJ Giant to make an appearance at the Brat's Charity (and was only outshone by VJ Sarah Tan). Met an amazing amount of people I never knew were Brats, new Brats and downright ancient Brats. It's amazing that the car tyres could still hold our weight as we drove to Bangsar Shopping Centre to visit Charm, who was teaching knee-high people (they're called kids, Charlotte, KIDS!) to fold Origami birds and houses. I had a long and intense conversation with an 8 yr old about Barbie dolls, before we proceeded (sans Charm) to have lunch at Esquire Kitchen (Pau with Ma Poh Taufu, Sze Chuan fried Eggplant and Fried Chicken with Onion Rings. Charl - Yum! Yum!, Greg - Eggplant???!!! You know you're going to be finishing that up by yourself, right?). Then we rescued Charm from the pint-size... oh alright... KIDS... and went down to Strudels to eat... Apple Strudel (duh!). After going to church (to thank God for delicious Malaysian food that is better than Singaporean fare, anyday!) my entire family went to Sri Hartamas to try out a new restaurant, Suasana, that serves Lamb Goulash Masala (??!!). Not bad, really. But still think the stuff in Desa Sri Hartamas is funkier. After pigging out all day, what was going to stop us for having dim sum at Tai Thong for brunch the next day? After brunch, was dropped off at Midvalley... which for all its massiveness, hasn't really got much to buy. We ended up at Pets Wonderland, which is more of a mini zoo than a shop (how does it survive???). Then at 4pm, we ended up at the SS2 Secret Recipe for tea with Sugi and Michelle... and stayed there eating Oreo cheesecake and gossiping (Greg says the girls were bitching... but we like to think of it as an exchange of ideas) till almost 7:30pm. Went back home to mum's big feast of Assam Fish and Prawns, Grilled Pork Ribs, Mushroom Chicken Feet and Jack Fruit! Stuffed, stuffed, stuffed! Its great to feel absolutely Garfield-like and hoping that a meteorite will land on the Motorola plant so I wouldn't have to go to work the next day. But things I wish for usually don't come true. (*I wish for XK to be smart, charming and handsome*).
Well, Greg's back in Spore, and it's not my fault if he's looking rotund... I didn't force him to eat anything...
And it's back to work for me... time to don the awful smock again and go measure the accuracy of ball placements. Bah!

From The Star's Nation section (summarised & edited):
City Hall: No more performing licence for Instant Cafe Theatre

BY JANE RITIKOS
KUALA LUMPUR: City Hall has decided to no longer issue any performing licence to Instant Cafe Theatre Company (ICT) after the group refused to follow an order to revise the script of its sell-out show “The 2nd First Annual Bolehwood Awards 2003 – The Director’s Cut.”
In the letter to Utusan, a reader complained that the performance was rude and uncivilised, with utterances of profanity.
He also criticised the show for being insensitive to Islam, apart from making fun of politicians.
In its advertisement, ICT publicised the show as the “spoofs (of) everything under the Malaysian sun and no one, no institution, no project, no cultural norm is spared.”
Show director Jo Kukathas expressed shock at City Hall's decision.
She said it had informed her last Saturday to cut out five elements from the script including government policies, government agencies and the mention of anyone dead or alive, including Tan Sri P. Ramlee.
“This basically entails the entire show which is about society and government policies. It was too late to stop the show that night.
“City Hall also told us we must comply or else we had to pay a RM10,000 fine.
“After we thought it through and consulted our lawyers, we decided to continue with the show without any amendments because if we did, there would be no show,” she said in an interview.
Arts and culture activist Kathy Rowland in her letter to Utusan on Wednesday defended the “Bolehwood” show, explaining that since its inception in 1989, ICT had been performing satires even at official government functions.
“This shows Malaysian poli-ticians are mature enough to appreciate a comedy such as “Bolehwood,” an indication that Malaysia is a democratic country,” she wrote.


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First compulsory national service for 18 yr olds, then the laws against couples holding hands... and now this...
Farewell to free expression, free speech and free minds...

How many miligrams of fat did Selena say was in one Mc Vitie's Digestive Cookie again? I've eaten 3 out of boredom this morning. But it does say 25% less vegetable fat on the box! *shrug*

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Edit: Checked the Nutritional Information on the Mc Vitie's box. According to the nutritionists at the Mc Vitie's lab, for every 100grams of digestives, I am consuming 16.2grams of Fat of which 7.0grams saturates. So an entire box of digestives which weighs 250grams will contain 40.5grams of fat of which 17.5grams saturates. I know this is accurate. I checked with a calculator.


I've lost my appetite all of a sudden...

Reminders
1. Burn Russel Watson & Josh Groban CD for Charm (am still against anti piracy laws! but don't quote me on that)
2. Find out when and where the hell the Brats Charity is going to be... do not want Daryan directing us to the Thai Border...
3. Try not to yawn when supervisors are telling you their life stories. Your life isn't THAT interesting either
4. Try not to panic at new assignment given even if you have no clue where to start
5. Staring at the plasma clean machines is not a happening job, but hey, someone's gotta do it!
6. Try not to walk on air just because Greg will be here tomorrow!

Weather check for today: Lighter than air!

3rd day at work. Have been given something substantial to do: Read previous trainee's report on Alternative Method To Achieve Gram Per Mil Square For Wire Peel Test. If you didn't understand that, well don't ask me either. The process is pretty simple, but I'm having an excruciating time trying to read the report which reeks of Ah Bengness. Here's a sample:

It is insufficient data in analysis the successful of the calculation formula for this moment. More and more samples should be taken include MAPBGA and get an overall average data to proof the formula.
When do the measurement to get gram per mil square for wire peel test, make sure that the samples are from same bonder machine. It is because other bonder machine may be different condition and cause the wedge bond formation different.

Ouch!
I so wish to bang a great big grammar text book on his head!

Blogging from work... am such a thrill seeker...
am also bored, not sure if I can take this for another 7 weeks...
and its only the 2nd day of work...

I'm learning to recognise people from the top half of their faces. There's no other way, since everyone is in headgear and face masks, and it sure is stressful when EVERYONE is new to you. I'm easy to recognise... I'm the blur looking little white blob with a notebook in hand and trying really hard not to step on the toes of the senior engineers.

My cubicle is number 69. Odac's favourite number. hmmm...

First day as a trainee at Motorola. I swear that court shoes and an office skirt is NOT the right attire when you are meant to spend at least 3 quarters of the day in a germ free lab, almost unrecognisable due to the astronaut type lab smocks, headgear and face mask! So what exactly do I do? Well, nothing, quite truthfully. Currently I am learning to wire bond die to substrates (that may not make any sense, and if your brain works the way Ravi's does... NO! wire bonds have nothing to do with bondage! my job has NOTHING to do with whipping men into submission and chaining them up, are we clear Ravi dear?). I've also discovered that the best thing about being an engineer is that I will never really have to dress up for work! Scruffy is a norm! ahh... the perfect working environment...

my comments have disappeared. what did I do to make them leave me?

I'm really amused by all this hype about KL being the most unfriendly city in the world. Of course it's unfriendly! People like me live in it. The only way for me to survive in KL is to be just as thick skin as everyone else whether it's hogging the road, cutting queues and placing distrust in anyone I see, even if its a nice little old lady. Hey, you never know! Nice little old ladies could swindle you of your money, lure you into a dark unmonitered carpark and leave you to be gang raped.


Oh and final rant of the day...

WATER TALKS: It REALLY does!!! In the form of the National Economic Action Committee that is.

This is interesting... I'm going to wait a few days to see what's going to happen before I can comment. But for the moment it's MALAYSIA BOLEH! Singaporeans should one day experience what it's like to have water cuts and murky brown water flowing out their taps as we in the Klang Valley and KL STILL experience from time to time.

When your college becomes prime news in the Straits Times, it really boils the Rafflesian blood in you, doesn't it? What more when your college is reputedly the top in the country!
Student's Ticking-off Goes from RJC to Net
RJC Boy to be Disciplined for Film Ticking-off

When I first read the articles (sans photos), I assumed it was MY GP tutor. She was always berating PRCs and scholars, although she claimed she loved us more than disgusting ill-manered Singaporeans (particularly from RI *cough*). But I was wrong. My next guess was that it was the GP tutor Luke had a fight with, and walked out of her class straight into the vice principal's office. But I was wrong again. By now, you'd probably think that RJ is overrun with sarcastic, outspoken, soured old GP tutors... but it isn't... really. Each of us just likes to think OUR GP tutor is the worst (except those lucky bastards who got nice GP tutors like Mrs Chan).
I can't say that the student was in the wrong. His intentions, I assume, were good to start with... defending his PRC friend. My classmates would definitely feel for him after the hardship they went through in the form of my GP tutor. Something like this was just waiting to happen... like a bad chemical reaction of rebellious RJ students and sand paper tongued GP tutors.
All the same, I bet this was the chance RJ critics have been waiting for to lambast swollen headed, egoistic, blue blooded Rafflesians. For further brickbats, refer to Grace's blog.

I spent yesterday signing away my life to Gamuda Berhad. They are going to pay for my entire education, living expenses and return air tickets for the next 4 years. In return, I will offer my life to them for the following 5 years to do as they please; whether it is building tunnels, constructing highways, rearing pigs in kelongs... I am at their mercy. Today I spent a long morning at Kota Permai as the only girl among 6 scholars waiting to shake hands with the chairman of Gamuda (who looked neither awake nor asleep... more like... mummified...) at the Gamuda scholarship presentation award. While the other scholars brought their whole band wagon of excited mummies, daddies, siblings, aunties, grandmothers etc... MY parents came late! The senior scholars are just lovable! And so are the Gamuda staff.
So there... after being the most undecisive person alive, my next 9 years have already been planned out for me.

Back from the island. 4 FANTASTIC days (and nights, *grin*). Settled some stuff... left others hanging... Bemused and confused. Went back to RJ, to find another batch of Odacians with shattered dreams. The curse of my batch seems to linger on. Met up with some odacians. It was fun. With some people, the spirit of comradarie just never diminishes. Maybe I was a little lost at times, when things that were being discussed were out of my league (the Malaysian isolation feeling never changes), but still, the friendship is still there, the bonds still strong, the laughter still loud, the promises of "we'll meet up" still being made, the dreams of THE batch expedition to Sikkim still hopeful...
It's hard to be back home again. Feels like the last 4 days was a dream, a fleeting one... too much, too fast... too happy...

!!Attention please!!

Charlotte will be AWOL from tomorrow till thursday. Charlotte's brain (which has always been AWOL anyway) will be in Singapore with her or else in a secure location nearby. If you feel the need to urgently contact Charlotte, her handphone will be with her, but the cost incurred will be your own. If anyone desperately misses Charlotte during her absence, well, the feeling isn't mutual.

Oh alright, she'll miss you a teensy weensy bit.

And in case you are wondering... NO she is not bringing her pigs with her (yes their trotters will erode)... she will be leaving them in her kelong. (For the rest of the world who does not get this, don't bother... private swine jokes)

Charlie's Angels : Full Throttle
verdict: Oh yeah! Makes you feel all kick ass and wishing you had a butt like Cameron Diaz! It hasn't really got a lot of throttle but its definitely full of fun (if you stop thinking about how impossible most of the fight sequences are). Ooh... and that creepy thin guy... did anyone really get his part in the plot? And what's with the creepy thin guy name? He's more like guy-with-creepy-fetish-who-dies-an-anti-climatic-death. Oh well... This was definitely a better watch than the first! =)

Today I cringed in horror as I forced myself to watch the music video for Jewel's latest single: Intuition.
...
...
...
I don't know what to say. If this isn't a nightmare, please let me curl up and die!
I forgave her for This Way... everyone is allowed to kick off their shoes and produce bubblegummy tunes once in a while... but Jewel producing a track that sounds like J Lo?? and dancing??? even if she's actually ridiculling the pop-music world!!! *sob* You can't do this to me! You just can't DO this to me! My vision of the perfect music idol, my reason for strumming my guitar for hours on end, my inspiration for writing, composing, singing... all torn to shreds by a horrifying dance music video!
You know, maybe I just need to listen to the song a few times more... yeah... and everything will be alright again... and I'll be able to buy 0304 without shrinking from it... yeah... it'll be fine... everything is going to be O.K.


Who the shit am I kidding?

The Hulk
verdict: Unless you are a loyal-die-hard-superman-is-for-wimps-hulk-rules-take-that-spideyboy kinda person, you might want to think twice about exchanging your hard earned cash for movie tickets instead of, say, buying a nice green cactus that does not bloat up when made angry nor has complicated relationships with its power hungry father. Plus, it's not polite to yawn in the cinema as I did several times today.

I found this poem while randomly surfing on my favourite subject : myself
It's part of a collection of poems from the movie Autumn Sometimes directed by John Macaulay. You can find out more about it here


Charlotte Sometimes Part 1 & 2


(Part1)

Some times she is beautiful

Like a flower in the rain

Sometimes she is vulnerable

As she hides herself in shame

Sometimes she’s angelic

When she whispers through the room

Sometimes she does not realize

How she makes my heart swoon

Sometimes

Sometimes

And I want to be her savior

Her true and only love

I want to heal her bleeding heart

I want to watch the sunset

And hold he till the ‘morn

I want to be forever to her

And never to the world

But I have to settle for sometimes


(Part 2)

Sometimes flowers die returning to the earth

Sometimes mothers cry at their newborn baby’s birth

Sometimes love is fleeting

Like the autumn leaves that turn

Sometimes a candle may go out

Though a fire still may burn

Some times I sit in solitude

And curse the sky above

Sometimes I cry a tear of joy

When I think about our love

Sometime

Sometimes

Forever was to permanent

For an angel such as you

So I will savor every moment

That I got to share with you

Sometime

Sometimes

Sometimes I lay awake at night

And the wind sounds like you

Whispering to me in words

That say I miss you too

Sometimes love may come and go

But true love still remains

These times I realize your still here

To help me through this pain

Sometime

Sometimes

Some times I have to thank you

For opening eyes once blind

Sometimes I feel you are with me now

My savior Charlotte

Sometimes…



When I catch a glimpse of her

Sometime

Sometimes

Sometimes I dream at night

That we have kissed a thousand times

Sometimes when I see her

I feel my heart go blind

Sometimes I wish she’d hear my words

And hang on every line

But for now I am only me alone

And she is only Charlotte sometimes

wishing stars

Really adorable link... courtesy of xk... which is courtesy of *ahem*

Nah! I blogged! PLUS I even mentioned you! Happy now? Tsk... where on earth do I find all these obnoxiously demanding friends?

I haven't been online for almost a week and... WHOA!!! It's been agonising not being able to blog, and now everything I wanted to say is all tangled up in my head and I've never been very good at undoing knots (tying knots yes... undoing them... ouch! brain ache!)

Will blog later... presently clearing truckloads of emails... mostly junk...

Stupid Comments are on maintenence...

I Love You Toadally and Udderly!
Hehe! Check it out! It's really cute!

I've finished reading Harry Potter and The Order of The Pheonix. I'm gloating because I guessed right who would die. I'm getting as good as Sybil Trelawney! I didn't enjoy this book as much though. Harry was just too self pitying, whiny, anal retentive and plain bitchy for me! Hermione and Ron were bickering non-stop! And it just wasn't magical enough. Or else... I've just grown old...

Anu sent this to me. Personally I think she and Sugi LOVE sending me all kinds of 'personality explanation' mails =)

* Symbol : The Sea Goat
* Ruling House : Tenth House
* Ruling Planet : Saturn
* Gemstone : Blue Sapphire
* Element : Earth
* Most compatible with : Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn
* Can be good with : Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces
* A 50-50 chance with : Aries, Sagittarius, Leo
* Doubtful with : Gemini, Aquarius, Libra
[That makes me compatible with Sachpal, good with Anu, 50-50 with Luke (Nicholson) and doubtful with Greg and Sugi... WOW!]

Capricorn Personality
Capricorns are diligent, conscientious, hardworking and cautious, seldom allowing themselves any sort of permissiveness [Read: stuffy about following rules, dotting the i's and crossing all the t's]; this makes them among the most reliable people to work with [yeah! They nag everyone else who isn't up to standard]. You endure hardship well and can be very tolerant, slogging your way up life's steepest climbs and climb you must [well... I DO like rock-climbing, come to think of it...]. You are highly ambitious and will work your way up with patience and hard work - exactly like the mountain goat that represents your Zodiac sign [SEE! It was innate nature that made me finish all my FM assignments!]. You have an admirable sense of discipline and a good head for managing finances [yup! Greg pays for most things]. Most of you are self-contained and tend to carve your own way. Those who know you well will admire you for your sense of duty, your selflessness in service and your devotion [Er... the Odacians tend to grumble about my nagging]. Although not exactly the centre of attraction at parties, you have a sense of humour that many find attractive [ROFL!]. You are sure-footed and most of your productivity is the result of the confidence you bring to your work. You tend to spend far too much energy in being the achiever. You also tend to be moody and fairly self-destructive [Oh really? Got a bone to pick haven't you! *glare!*].

Capricorn Lover
Your ardent and incurabe romantic yearning for true love, which is checked by Saturn -- the stern planet of discipline. It commands you to be calm, practical and serious. To top it all your practicality and sensibility ensure that you snag the right partner in marriage who can be a good parent and do you proud. Those belonging to the zodiac signs of Taurus [Shaun??? Ravi???], Scorpio [Thank goodness, don't know any scorpions] and Virgo [Damian??? *cough blood*] will make good partners for Capricorns. Nevertheless, love for a stable home and loyalty towards the spouse are your primary concerns. Man or woman, Capricorns love their home, but they are reverent about family ties -- be these their own or the ones created with the partner. If you marry a Capri [Sachpal??? Rajiv Lopes??? NO WAY!] then be prepared to love your in-laws, no matter what. They seldom marry in haste and abhor divorce, but when it happens it is final.They are pretty good and strict parents always concerned with the best for their children's future.
[0uch! Fell off my chair... laughing too hard]

Capricorn Professional
Capricorns make good business people. Shrewd and hardworking, it is unlikely that you will take any rash decisions. You are ambitious and even if you do not have a career of your own, you will make sure your spouse climbs the ladder [NO ONE is supposed to tell ANY future husband of mine THIS!]. You are not up to too much competition and will work at your own pace and deliver the best you can. Capricorns will
do well in the fields of academics [School Marm Yeow... Nah...], industry [Not in THIS country, mate!] and even agriculture [statistically 3 out of 5 plants die on me. This includes the simple green beans which failed to sprout, although everyone else in my standard 4 class suceeded in producing a few leaves]. Dealing with antiques is also a good profession for you [Do my grandparents count?]. Money rarely comes to you as an unexpected windfall. It will come through hard work and it will come in a bit late [WHAT? Even if I whip my spouse to climb the ladder quicker?]. You should, however, settle down comfortably by the time you are in your early forties.

Capricorn Traveller
You love high places and blossom on mountains [Not if my travelling buddies are Mr. Shah and Grace Lim... Sorry, only Odacians will get this]. Though you would love to go on a luxurious and comfortable holiday but you are equally frugal about spending money even on a holiday...and keep your expenses in check [that's alright... shopping in Malaysia is still the cheapest... cuti-cuti Malaaay-siaaah!]. Even on holiday you keep yourself disciplined and active; no overindulgence for you. You enjoy historical places and the romance surrounding them [This is astonishingly very true! But they forgot Art Museums!!!].

Capricorn Teens
This young lady is both studious and diligent; she doesn't see much beyond work. [well... work isn't always academic work is it?] She will figure at the top of her class, and that's just the first step for someone as ambitious as her [EEPS!!! Were they spying on me?]. She is generally friendly [yeah! I sat alone in class in Form 5, and everyone knows how 'friendly' a classmate I was in RJ!], a trait which helps her to achieve her goals, but she'll need a lot of external support [ODAC!] to prevent her from taking life too seriously [Like xk and shan teaching me that not finishing tutorials is no big deal!]. Conservative by nature, the Capricorn lass is realistic. Her cautious approach to life does not allow her to be a daredevil [but when I am a daredevil good things happen to me! Explain THAT! hmmph!]. Her exceptional organisational skills help her to tide over most crises and attain her goals.
The Capricorn lad will rarely find any leisure since he will be busy chalking out future plans. Serious by nature, he has no time for flippant socialising and has his mind on more important matters. Of
course he doesn't want to be rude but his passion for getting things done often makes him a little bossy. In his leisure time the Capricorn boy loves to indulge in competition, especially in sports, and he finds it very
difficult to cope with defeat. For that he needs the support of his compatriots. One-to-one competition also appeals to him. Practical and reliable, he can be trusted with any new responsibility. At the end of the day, a Capricorn boy likes to be surrounded by the spoils of his success. He has been striving for it all through the day. Someday his toils will pay off and he will rule the world.
[Ouch! Fell of chair again... was thinking of Sachpal and.... HAHAHAHAHA!!! ROFL!!!]

Capricorn Kids
The Capricorn kid starts behaving like an adult from a very early age [Venki will never forgive me for being able to read when I was just a year old, right?]. An entrepreneur from the beginning, this child has ambitious plans to touch the sky someday and what is more surprising, it is all chalked out in great detail! [Er... well... when I was 8 I had already made a contract with 4 friends that we'd open a kindergarten and I had even named it, assigned the various staff roles and drawn up all class time tables] Being a cautious player, of course he or she is not going to attempt something that could possibly fail. An excellent sense of responsibility enables this kid to have a way with peers. There lurks a perfectionist [beams at mint condition Barbie dolls] in every Capricorn child, who's ready to walk that extra mile.

Capricorn Luck
It is the darker colours, the colours of night, that bring you luck [and also statistically cause more road accidents at night because drivers can't see you...]. Black, brown, blue and grey will be good colours to wear [No! no! no! I just bought a pair of pink slippers, a peach jacket and 5 purple skirts! I insist on a new colour test!], while in gemstones you should choose sapphire, amethyst, garnet and black onyx. Numbers 1, 4 and 8 and those that add up to these [which includes 2,3,5,6,7... er that's ALOT of lucky numbers, huh?] prove lucky for Capricorns. Saturday is your lucky day [Yeah! It's NO SCHOOL day!]. Saturn is your ruler and your element is earth. [Well, I'm not really the space travelling kind... earth is fine...]

I have this nagging feeling I've forgotten alot of birthdays this month. If this concerns you, please know that it really wasn't intentional at all! I don't loathe you, despise you, or wish you were completely out of my life... I just forgot to check my birthday diary.

Harry Potter and The Order of The Pheonix will be out tomorrow. I'm getting the heeby jeebies. But I promise I won't be queueing at Kinokuniya at 6am.

Have I ever told you
How much I love waking up
To gently parting raindrops
And the sound of lulling winds
As nobody can be heard
But a background of steady breathing
Reassures me that the world
Is so near
Just so near to me
I could fall back
Into dreamland once again

NUS documents have finally arrived in the mail!!!

Dear CHARLOTTE YEOW SHU CHEN
On behalf of NUS, I wish to congratulate you for being selected as a recipient of the ASEAN Undergraduate Scholarship for Engineering (NUS) course. blah blah blah... To accept our offer, please complete the enclosed reply form and return it to us by 18 June 2003.

Erm... isn't today the 19th of June already? So much for Singaporean punctuality and efficiency!!!

NUS = National University of Singapore

?????I dunno what to blog today?????

I finally bought Tony Parson's Man and Wife because it went from RM42.90 to RM33.90 and is now in smaller print. I hope it's like the first book. Please let it be like the first book! I also bought Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. I bought it because the cover is so funky! (and also because it was the winner of the Guardian First Book award 2002, but mainly because the cover is so FUNKY!).

Twilight
If I could catch it
On the tip of my tongue
Let its soft lullaby
Veil my soul
Change this darkness
Into rainbows
Forget that the road ends in reality
Just tread quietly
Behind the ghost of a dream
Pretend for now my world exists
In this fairy tale land
And no cold water
Dripping down my back
Could unlock the gates
To this fantasy

I'm obsessed with twilight. I used to think it was the witching hour because it seemed a more magical time than midnight. I mean, midnight is no different from 10pm or 2am... but twilight is a myriad of colours and has a partial eerie quality when daylight turns into darkness.

It's 10:30 am and I'm sitting in front of my comp, still in my nightie trying to figure out how much energy it will take for me to haul my entire self into the shower. I haven't even thought of breakfast yet. To make tuna pate or not to make tuna pate? My mum will balk at the amount of cream cheese I put into it and proceed to haul me to the gym to work it off. I just don't get how mum expects me to survive on greens and low fat stuff for the rest of my life. Anything with carbohydrates is EVIIIIIIL! She makes me take the rice out of sushi and the glutinous rice out of... erm... jung (glutinous rice). She nags at me when I butter my potatoes. She glares if I even reach for the ice cream tub in the fridge. And she prophecises that if I don't stop snacking I'm going to look like my aunties.
Ok THAT prophecy IS scary, because as much as I love my 7 aunties, I really truly fear looking like an oversized dumpling.
But when I think about it again, it IS due to my mum that I have the strangest of eating habits. Like how I completely avoid chocolate in any form (bars, cakes, M&Ms, ice cream, brownies!) because mum just never gave me chocs when I was a kid (and I really think the taste is revolting!). And it is because of mum that I have no fondness for sweet things, that I hate eating mee or anything in noodle form, that I have a strange love for milk and eggs and mushrooms and celery and seafood!
My brother thinks I'm very weird. But that's because he eats everything. Including the food off my plate. I always knew there was something wrong when people said I was such a skinny child and my brother was a roly poly pig!
I'm blathering... I don't even know if that's a real word...



Twilight

It was a twilight evening
When the sky spun rosy hues
I lost my soul down the woodland path
To the seductive lure of my view
The sweet scent of grass tranquillised me
The faint glow of light mesmerised
My mind swept away by the winds lullaby
Traded my soul for that beauteous prize
And as the sky melted into darkness
My soul danced a waltz with the breeze
Exhilaration permitted perchance a journey
Of an insight to the world of dreams
And as I drew near the end of the path
With reality waiting at its foot
I sighed as my soul remained trapped inside
Twilight’s timeless youth

When I was in Eton Hall, I always returned to my hostel around sunset. And for all that Eton Hall was the hostel of horror, the surrounding landscape was just mesmerising! You have to see it to believe such a place exists... like a land spun out of a fairy tale, from the lush green valleys that we traversed across when we had nothing to do to the quaint houses we would walk past wondering who lived inside them, and the houses we thought were haunted, the confusing roads we'd try to figure out, the deserted hospital which let our imaginations run as to why it was deserted, Eton Hall really was a beautiful place.

I forgot to put a poem... I'm getting old...

I think if I live
In this life
I just don’t want to know
What’s going on
Beyond my rose coloured window
Close my eyes to what
Is going on
In the dark shadows
Of the Devil’s cloak
I don’t want it
To tug at my heart
Not with my hands bound
Behind my back
And I can’t reach out to touch no one

Blogger ate yesterday's blog. Buggy blogger.

Whenever I think my government cannot sink any lower in ridiculous ideas, they come up with National Service to prove me wrong.
[Looks up into the heavens and wails: Why, God? Why???]
As I read through the NS outline in The Star (National Service for 18-year-olds to start in February) I just cannot accept that my poor brother has a 1 in 5 chance of being subjected to this idiotic jab at restoring patriotism in the young. Please, please, give me something to believe that the government is NOT run by hare-brained poofs!
The more I think about it, the more I cannot accept that something as major as National Service is being implemented without any justification. To quote the Defence Minister, Najib (the guy who totally screwed up the Education Ministry by doing close to nothing!) : Malaysia’s National Service Programme (is)different from those implemented in other countries because its main thrust (is) to promote national unity, and not for defence purposes.
I know I'm not very logical most of the time, but even I know that 3 months in what looks like summer camp is NOT going to promote national unity anymore than 11-13 years of national education! And how do we know that the 100,000 selected guinea pigs are right for NS? If the objective of NS is not for defence purposes, why are they going to be taught to handle guns and other fire-arms? And what about the compensation for loss of education during those 3 months? And this country doesn't have the adequate facilities for National Service, do they not realise that deaths have occured in National Service? Are the instructors qualified to handle these young children barely out of teenhood? And the flaming idiocy of it all is that our country is too proud to ask any other country for assistance. Not even Singapore who has been running National Service successfully for decades (although I'm not sure how successfully since some slut plays warcraft 3 from 9-5 everyday).
I know 15 guys who are very dear to me who are currently serving National Service in Singapore. I don't see them anymore patriotic then when they were in junior college, unless they are picking on me for being Malaysian. Even Greg, who tells me every 20 minutes "Do you know why NS is good for you?", balks at the idea of NS in Malaysia.
It. Just. Won't. Work.
How can something like this work when it has been drafted out in a matter of months?
No that isn't the point.
The point is that it's baseless! It's just NOT JUSTIFIED!!!

Since some obnoxious person DEMANDS that I blog... so here, I shall blog!
*pigs shake their heads in dissapointment... tsk tsk tsk*

Been AOL for the past few days because after my Econs paper 3 ended on Friday the 13th, my brain took no pay leave and I've been drifting around in blissful idiocy ever since. Here's a brief run through of what I've been up to (be thankful it has nothing to do with you!)
1. Went shopping in KL, got caught in rain, mum freaked out because was afraid we'd get caught in a flood, drove home in F1 style (mum drove, thank goodness!), arrived home to find PJ all sun-shiny!
2. Started on Colleen McCollough's Thornbirds. Cannot put it down! Explains blogging absence.
3. Nearly had to watch What a Girl Wants with sister. Think Amanda Bynes is a better actress than Hilary Duff, but still watch Lizzie Mcguire anyhow.
4. Listened to my father talk about the horrors of May 13, 1969 and how he cheated death by ponteng-ing the last class of the day, and cycling through Chow Kit road back to my aunty's house only to hear upon his arrival that 20 people had been killed in the massacre along Chow Kit.
5. Cooked dinner for my daddy, who thankfully had the sense to ponteng classes at the right time so I could be here today! And who also is a terrible liar because he said my Caesar salad was very good. It couldn't be! I totally did not follow the recipe and invented my own along the way!
Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I
Boredom
Mind piercing
Agonising
Boredom

II
A pencil in my hand
Wields chasing dreams in my head
On to paper, things unsaid

III
Boredom
A template for imagination
The virgin of dreams being formed into reality
It’s all crap
I’m just plain bored

I had Mohammed Haji Salleh in mind when I wrote this. Remember Rain? In retrospect, I did like the poem... and when it rains I often think of threads from heaven, babies in cradles, and fathers turning their backs on the world in slumber.
Oh and I tend to write ALOT of poems about boredom... especially when I'm bored! It's ironic!

Finally, Sachpal gave me something to do! You're an Angel, Pal... only on certain days.

1. Society states that love alone can make a person happy. What is your opinion about it?

I wish it could. But then, love like all emotions is irrational, unquantifiable and abstract. (So is happiness, but that's another GP essay). Love has several degrees and dimensions, not to forget connotations, so I personally think that such a vague question deserves a vague answer.
I don't agree with Pal that love + money is the answer. You could be the Queen of England (I'm sure she's loved by at least some) and still not be happy.
Happiness itself is not something that can be generalised. What makes you happy? Chatting with your best friends? Seeing a baby smile? Receiving a compliment? Scoring straight As? Playing Warcraft 3? Your pet hamster? Sex? ... There isn't one answer, there isn't even a correct answer, furthermore what satisfies you changes with time (and if you allow me to ramble even further I'll start bring in the Marginal Utility Theory). This is the problem with creating statements that are just too general.
It's a roundabout debate because there aren't enough parameters. But I won't discount love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

2. What is your take on portraying a false image?

I don't think anyone wants to portray a false image intentionally. It all boils down to acceptance, even now there are still bits and pieces of me I can't accept, so I wear masks. Many people have double personalities. Sometimes I think I have triple, quadruple, quintuple... Is that a false image? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like a matter of survival. Our peer environments can be so hostile and no one wants to feel left out.

3. Life has become more like a rat race in this century.

Rat race is Western. Here we call it kiasuism. Aye, I totally agree. Everyone is biting and clawing their way to the top... and I'm being pulled along by the current as well... Somedays I feel like I can only hold my head up high because I got great SPM results, or because I was an ASEAN scholar, or because I was in RJ or because I got into an Ivy League and a top UK university, or because I'm going to attain a proffesional degree in Engineering and not some fluffy social science degree (sniff!)... but where am I going to hide my face when God says that all those things don't count on judgement day?

4. Some say premarital sex is bad. What is your opinion?

Seeing how marriage as an institution is slowly disintegrating... I don't know. I don't condemn it, I don't condone it. It's a matter of whether you can handle it...

5. Pornography. Good or Bad?

Haha... this is bloody controversial. Pornography puts alot of pressure on sex and satisfaction, etc. etc. But some guys say it's educational (*rolls eyes*). Whatever! It gives you guys (and some girls) kicks and as long as you're not out there commiting crimes later on... and you don't really believe that sex is as good as it looks on tv!

6. What’s you take on death? What about personal feelings regarding death?

There's only one thing about death that scares me... would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in Heaven?

7. What are your comments about society?

I live in a happy little society where everyone looks out only for their own interest. They criticise the authorities for not looking out for them but don't even know their next door neighbour's name. They demand the rights of a developed nation (higher salaries, shorter working days) while simply forgetting that there are regions in this country with no telephone lines or water utilities yet. They want quick profits with minimum effort. They want short cuts to everything, even if its education. And especially if they are not bumiputeras they believe they owe the system nothing since the system worked against them from the start.
*cough*
Sorry, got carried away. But my society isn't that bad if you ignore it's flaws.

8. What are the important criteria you look for in a guy/girl?

Curly hair isn't one of them. *glare*. I think it would be that I have to feel completely comfortable with him, that I can tell him anything and he won't think less of me (even when I tell him about all the terrible things I've done to other guys, or when he discovers that I can be a nasty, stubborn little twerp). And most importantly I have to feel that I can be myself in front of him, no masks, no pretense... just me. Oh and if he's a snag (or even pretends to be... YOU tricked me!), he won't need a magnet!

9. Friends. Are they important?

Yes! You don't need a rocket scientist to tell explain that to you!

10. Lastly, what are your observations regarding people around you? (E.g. neighbourhood, university, etc.)

I thought I answered a similar question above? Oh well, I don't know. The only people I see nowadays are my mum, my dad, my bro and my sis. They are all generally nice people.
My neighbourhood is really quiet. Next door is a family with 4 boys (aged between 24 and 6) and my siblings and I make more noise than they do (of course we have the advantage of owning a piano, a violin, 4 guitars, a stereo system and well developed lungs).
My college... LOL... no, you don't want me to get started on my college, please! Lets just say that in 20 years time if you gave me a list of the most successful people in the world, I gurantee you most of them would be my college mates. I'm just hoping my classmates will still remember me and how I helped them with their essays when they become premier of China.

What prep label are you?

I'm very bored... oh so very bored...

I have a wish
That purple clouds
And jewel crusted stars
Would always exist
Knowing I’ve come this far
I’m stirring storms
Walking on fire
And yet I’d do it all again
If sleeping on thorns
Flying much higher
I can’t feel the pain
And I’d keep on going
Course there’s a savage beauty out there
And joy won’t taste
So sweet without the bitterness

Plain ramblings... I was drunk or similar...

Which Smallville character are you?


hmm... hehe... this is why i'm just charlotte sometimes...

Boredom inflicts
The night skyline
With its enticing spectrum
Of puffy sunsets
And seduces me
In whispers to leave my desk
And haunt nigh for life!

I bounced out of bed at 7 am this morning after going to sleep at 2am last night. Monday mornings are gym mornings where my mum drags me to the gym to try and eradicate the fat in my thighs which she claims have become even fatter since I skipped last Monday's workout. Where does she get her bionic eyesight from that somehow notices diameter changes in my thighs, because I obviously never inherited it from her!

So I was doing squats (which I believe are terrible for my knees but my mum says its a sure fire way for obtaining cameron diaz type legs... ever noticed how sure fire ways never work, mum?) when this lady in her 50s called Aunty Sarah pushes her amazing rings of spare tyres through the doors of the gym and nearly blinds me with her psychedelic gym outfit. I swear there should be a ban on people displaying oozing fat beneath purple tank tops, white tights, shocking pink socks and a turquoise scarf (SCARF??? Who wears scarves in a gym???). As I was reaching squat number 15, Aunty Sarah approached me and loudly proclaims: xiao mei, ni si huan F4, dui bu dui? na, wo gei ni zhe ge F4 tissue packet... ni kan, piao liang ma? ni si huan na ge? (translates as: little girl, you like F4 right? nah, i give you this F4 tissue packet... you see, beautiful or not? which one do you like?)... I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe, but I hear you can die slowly from suffocation if anyone more than twice your weight sits on you... so I decided to smile and accept the tissue packet. For that, she also tossed in a photo of one of those F4 gays free of charge. I'm beginning to rethink whether going to the gym is a good thing or not...

After giving up on eradicating fat, I went down to the library and picked up the latest issue of Cleo. Oh, look, Cleo's Most Eligible bachelor has been announced. Turns to page. AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! It's one of my dentists!!! No way! No WAY! And... ew! He's definitely NOT photogenic! He looks so much better in real life!

And to cap off the day, I spent the afternoon and evening with Sugi and the ensemble of Sachpal, Jere and Prashant. Laugh, people, laugh! I think I am certifiably completely numb to guys and their derogatory comments. Bbians will be bbians will be bbians.

*Pigs wave at no one in particular... no one in particular... parallel or perpendicular...*

Old friend,
Did time ever tell you
Our paths would one day intertwine
And we’d step in line
In this valley of sunshine
Between mountains of gloom
If you could look into
The looking glass
Would you have known
You’d find someone
Just like you
On the other side
Waiting and wishing
For a heart that would listen
And a smile that won’t fade
Did I just only meet you?
Time must have several dimensions
Because I’m sure I’ve known you
All along…

Charlotte Yeow is worth exactly $1,827,560.00
Can you afford me?

Newsflash: Greg got into NUS Medicine!! *beam*
Charm got Law
Baa got Engineering
Hooi Ying - Law
Kuan Yen - Comp Eng
Me - Engineering (but like everyone says... not like it really matters)
Well it damn well matters! What if UK comes down with some SARS like epidemic? At least I'll have somewhere to go to.

I finished off my Paper 1 and Paper 2 for Econs today, hand hurts... I now remember what I didn't like about humanities subjects... all that writing! Not like numbers. Short and sweet! 1 + 1 always equals 2... unless we're talking about linear spaces... ouch *headache*


Down the same path
I’ve walked before…
Treading on similar cracks
But I can see the sun
Through each glistening
Foliage of leaves
That leaves me wondering
Should I walk on?
Each step
Till my heart says yes
To a new journey
Down this old, old road
I’ve forgotten the way
Forgotten whether it was
Friend or foe
Beckoning me to go
I can’t
Can’t tell
So let it bring me there again
I don’t
Can’t care
As long as you are
Walking it with me

Had an unexpectedly good time at the ASEAN scholars reunion hosted by the Singapore High Commissioner (Who is a Rafflesian and reminds me of **Vivian Balakrishnan... I have always had an aversion to Vivian Balakrishnan since having had the misfortune of listening to his politically correct speeches at several functions)
The food was actually good! After all the crap Singapore fed me for 2 years, I was pleasantly surprised by the spread of roast lamb, popiah, char kuay teow, rojak, nonya kuih and ice kacang. Three cheers for the High Comm for having had the foresight to employ Malaysian caterers! With the exception of having misheard someone say "try the clams. Its good" when they actually meant "try the LAMB" and thus I spent quite a while searching for non-existent clams, I was pretty satisfied.
And the meeting up with old friends was the best part! There was so much to talk about: "What have you been doing?" "Are you working?" "Where are you going?" "What will you be studying?" "Are you going back to Singapore?" "So is your curly haired boyfriend in OCS?"
Ok, only one person asked the last question, and proceeded to hound me about it the whole night. I refuse to talk to YOU anymore!
Meeting Aseans from ages ago was cool too! There were people there who were scholars even before I was born!!
I went home with a mild headache though... a result of gulping down half a glass of red wine in my hurry to talk to Ling (whom I hadn't seen since I moved out of Eton hall a year and a half ago). When will I learn that the golden rule is to sip not gulp? Ow...
And I really hope no one attributed my gabbering away non-stop to the copious amounts of alcohol in the room... but as one senior said "Drink up! Singapore paid for our education, so why shouldn't we just milk them dry on the alcohol too?" (I noticed too that his face was very red and that he seemed a little unsteady...)


** Vivian Balakrishnan is an up and rising Singaporean politician who's in a perfect position coming from a mixed parentage (read: racial intergration), well educated (read: a successful product of the Singaporean education system), charming (read: always politically correct) and in line to take over from the Gohs and Lees of the last generation. And yeah, Vivian is a HE.

I can't tell the difference between a good Econs paper or a bad Econs paper... after all I've only been studying the subject for the last 5 months! So, I can't really tell how I fared in today's paper at all. Not too badly I hope. God, if you're listening now, I still would like that C please... really!

Tonight I will be attending a dinner at the Singapore High Commission, hosted by the Singapore High Commissioner. The attire says smart casual/working attire, and I don't know what to wear! I can never figure out this smart casual thing. My mum says I have a cupboard choked full of smart casual stuff. Where, mum? Because I don't see anything casual enough to be smart or smart enough to be casual. I've got plenty of casual casual stuff (spag straps, sports tops, day dresses, jeans, jeans and oh... here's a pair of khakis), and i've got formal formal stuff (long skirts, gowns)... but where are my smart casual clothes???

And how dare you ditch me now, mum, and go shopping at Little India when I have an important function tonight??!! Tsk! Priorities!!!

[plucked out from random readings... which I should avoid the night before Econs Paper 4]
Many, if not most, teenagers write poetry. Most of it is bad. Fortunately, this poetry, like many communicable childhood diseases such as mumps, chickenpox and measles, afflicts its authors for a short time and then they are forever immune to the pathogen. Of course, these "poems" are sincere, but as Oscar Wilde advised us, "all bad poetry is sincere." These “journals” - notebooks filled with angst, self-loathing, raging egotism and cryptic marginalia - are then shut forever, packed away in mom and dad’s attic, forgotten, and if there is any justice in the universe, eventually incinerated.

[To read more : Stupid Poetry, Arrogant Poets]

ps: Erm... on second thought, had better credit the link to Grace.

pps: Also remembered that the mug x 12 - coffee thing also belongs to Grace.

Aaaaahhhh!!!
Econs Paper 4 tomorrow!!!
Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug Mug ... Coffee?
*giggles*

I'm going nuts
Pray for me!

I’m living fine on the outside
Not telling you what’s really going on inside
This mind
This heart
Wish they weren’t two worlds apart
This time I’ll try
But forgive me ‘cause I
I’ve forgotten how to let my heart fly
You can’t save me
There’s too much of this wicked world under my skin
It doesn’t hurt me,
But I know it’s there…

When you feel there's too much of the real world in you, you begin to become numb, forget yourself and your pain and your real thoughts... and eventually become ditzy (that's ditzy not dizzy) - I'm the final product right before you. Sunshine and june bugs. I'm NOT living in de nile... I've just blocked it out of my memory. Really, I'm NOT!!

Hurt me

Cruel words
Blistered courage
Live your way; face to the ground
I’m broken down
The sky’s grey motif
Doesn’t help
As if it’s goading you on…

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

Spent the whole morning reading the papers instead of studying (come on! get your fat ass off the couch and start force feeding yourself on National Income...grrrr... ooh! I give up!)
Some very good articles caught my eye. Take the time to read it, if you please...
Picking friends from war rubble by Bunn Nagara - very insightful, very concise... a little tongue in cheek "take that you star spangled bush hugging idiots!" but VERY diplomatic!
Good that Singapore Dream is over by Laurel Teo - if you, like me, understand Singapore's 5 Cs (Cash, Credit Card, Car, Condo and Career... did I get that right?) you can smile at this article. If you don't, never mind... we KL-ites can relate to it too. (By the way, this article is from Singapore's Straits Times)
Ipoh City Council not a 'moral guardian' by Wong Chun Wai (heh, almost similar to my class rep's name... Wong Cheong Wai... er... he was Wong wasn't he?) - Yay! Someone who agreed with me, albeit for a slightly different reason.
Happy reading

Aargh!!! Hit Me Baby One More Time is playing incessantly on the PS2! My sister and her friends are jumping around on some PS2 dance mat thing, and I swear that Britney Spears' back is feeling the brunt of all my curses right now, because I cannot force feed a chapter on Labour Markets into my head in one hour when a ghastly sore-throaty "Oh baby, baby" is resounding from down stairs!!! My MP3 player is also on a vengeance today. Too lazy to configure a playlist, I've let it randomly pick songs off my entire list, and today it's gotten addicted to N*Sync and 98 Degrees!! I'm tired of pressing the 'next' button. Now it's playing Dido... and that's really depressing. I like Dido at any other time. But 4 days before an Economics paper? That's suicidal.
Song reverberating through my head at the moment is Gordon Lightfoot's 'If you could read my mind'. Catchy in a melancholic way...

Look again

Notice…
That the sun rises a little higher now
The grass blades painted a brighter shade of green

Unknown before…
The sweet morning song of sparrows
The soothing lilt of the wind

Smile now…
At the joyful dance of raindrops
And the taste of sweet air on the tip of your tongue

Look now at the same world
Standing on the other side of the looking glass
With the sun on your side, we are one…

The first step is always acceptance.

I'm waging a war on TV3. They cancelled SCRUBS! How. Can. They??? Don't they know they shouldn't pull a series with loyal followers off the air waves without any warning? Ooooh!!!! TV3, feel my wrath!!!
(like hell, what really can I do? Puny little viewer me)

Why Charlotte Sometimes...?
quote Jewel:
Sometimes it be that way

This article appeared in the Star today
Student to sue over summons

My initial reaction on reading it was "You mean that's not allowed?"
I don't really know what the laws on PDA are in my own country. I've heard one of two things from friends like you can't make out in a car or kiss in public parks... but hey, I thought those were rumours!!! You mean to say you guys weren't kidding me all this while???

When I was in Singapore, PDA was accepted (I said accepted NOT encouraged!) everywhere! Buses, MRTs, parks, along Orchard Road, at any time you could see couples, holding hands, hugging, kissing, NORMAL displays of affection and no police officers come running up to you to tap you on the shoulder (and this IS a big deal in the country where you'd be damned to drop a sweet wrapper on the floor). My guess is that Singapore's uptight and rule crazy officials are closing one eye on this matter due to the declining rate of the Singapore population (i.e: Singaporeans are not producing enough Singaporean babies!). Coupled with the new 'Romancing Singapore' scheme (I'm serious! It's a really government scheme!), you won't see PDA being wiped out anytime soon.

So imagine my surprise to come back to this country and find that the rules of the game here are just not the same. Last December, Greg and I went to KLCC to have lunch with my cousin Ming Yin and her boyfriend Adrian (both studying in Melbourne Uni). While waiting for Ming to show up, Greg and I noticed that we were the only couple holding hands. Unless it was "Celebrate Single-hood" day, there really could be no reason for every guy and girl we saw walking together to be in a platonic relationship! It was really unnerving to see such a conservative sight! It wasn't until Ming appeared arm in arm with Adrian that I felt like I wasn't in the twilight zone anymore.

Did I miss out something when they were handing out the rules on dating ettiquette? We all know how I'm a by-the-book freak!

A whirlwind just passed
Took my life with it
And turned it upside down
And now it laughs at me
As it watches me
Slowly piece back the pieces
Into their unfamiliar slots
But there’s one missing picture of you
And I’m afraid I’ll forget
It was ever there in the start

Ditto yesterday's poem

Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!! Sorry, no surprises like last year. Can't take a bus down and appear at your army camp only to hear you say "I knew you'd do that!". No great presents like last year's climbing shoes, no romantic dinners and basically - no me! I know I can't make up for it and it kills me that it's going to be like that for the next 5 or 6 years... and maybe even forever. But I'm not going to dwell on that right now. Have fun in your last teenage year! And if anything goes wrong on your special day, I'll make up for it by loving you more!

I did some crazy things today
I spent RM32 posting Greg's birthday present to him... and that cost more than the present itself!
I drove the wrong way down a one way street, got stuck for 20 minutes (it seemed that long to me), caused a major bottle neck jam.
I killed 10 mosquitoes in my car alone. My mum left the window down last night.
I sat down and studied econs for 3 hours. I finished 1 major chapter. The first one. The easiest one. Tonight I'll look into elasticities.

In reply to the poem on Daryan's blog... Love is that great mystery that makes us accept everything unconditionally... even ourselves.


No one feels the silence
But you’re gone
Like a silver breeze vanishing…
Melting away…
Melting me
Cause I don’t know why
The emptiness hurts more than pain
And I want to know why
If you weren’t going to stay
Why did you come into my life at all
So now I’ll laugh lonely laughs
And talk lonely talks
There’s no one here to break the silence
It’s become too familiar now you’re gone


It's funny how you can get so attached to people after knowing them only for a few months. Maybe its because they were the only things you could find refuge in. This is for Zi Shen and Anthony.
Zi Shen, who always called me aunty, who made me laugh at jokes so corny they would make a jagung blush, who never let any of the girls walk to or from school alone, who played badminton with me even though I was as lousy as crap, who was our unspoken leader and beacon of light, who left to take up a JPA scholarship so that he could go to Stanford... and there he is now...
Anthony, our dear gentle giant, with his umbrellas in case he ever got the chance to shield a fair damsel from the rain, and apple strudels for bribing us, whose piano playing awed us, who'd get the girls our soups during dinner then declare that he'd never marry any one of us before walking off haughtily, who left to take up a JPA scholarship because he wasn't happy in Singapore, who's going to become a doctor instead of the musician he always wanted to be...
I missed you guys all the time I was in Eton. The void you guys left made me throw myself totally into ODAC, because I couldn't bear going back to the hostel, knowing I'd be alone, that there wouldn't really be anyone to talk to or laugh with. Luckily things got better as time went on. I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Here's a poem by Hooi Ying, its a pity you guys didn't get the chance to read it before you left:

JUST A FLEETING MOMENT

When first we came to this peculiar place,
And got to know each other,
We thought we would spend our nights and our days,
Together in the next two years.

There were some difficulties that we weathered,
Some roads we travelled together ,
But later you decided,
That another path was better.

The halls will never again sound,
With your voices or laughter,
But still sweet memories abound ,
Of the times we were together.

Was it chance that brought us over,
From places miles apart,
Is it fate that keeps us together,
Or deems that we should part?

But let us not think of what might have been,
And wipe from our hearts the sorrow,
We shall each pursue our individual dreams,
For a better and brighter tomorrow.

- Looi Hooi Ying, ASEAN scholar


This is dedicated to:
Lye Theng Pui Man Meng Wai Big Grace Chun Hong Ming Hoong Kian Hong Sylvia
Wee Siong Peter Bong Chao Hong Mong Peng Sing Eek

Not forgetting:
Zi Shen Anthony

And all who went back.

I feel the night calling my name
In sweet serenade
Seducing in whispers
As my thoughts fade away
It knows I am weary…
Yes it knows I am weak…
Luring me in its darkness
Of dreams and sleep

I used to come back from college really tired after late training and long dinners and then turn to my work with only half my mind on it and eventually fall asleep before I'd even started on my assignments.

The depression bug is in the air...
It's hovering nearer and nearer and I'm afraid it will land on me.
In just the span of a week I've spoken to or e-mailed more than 5 people who've been feeling out of sorts, and even though you might think that depression is contagious, ironically it has cured me of the beginning of MY own depression because I tend to put my troubles out of the picture and listen to what my friends have to say. And after that I completely forget why I was even feeling down in the first place. Thank God for my really short memory span!

Today while I was outside Taylors after my econs class, a girl approached me and asked if I would take part in a survey on SARS. I thought it must be one of those college project things (Moral related and usually not worth the effort for the grade) but I was in a good samaritan mood so I agreed. The survey was a really simple questionaire and I breezed through the SARS questions, however the last question caught me by surprise:
"If you were given the chance to accept Jesus in your life and to get to know him, would you? Yes, No or Maybe?"
My first thoughts were: uh-oh... it's one of those Christian recruitment things! Get me out of here!
And sure enough the girl began to ask me stuff like which college are you from? Oh I don't study here, I'm a foreign student. Oh, where are you from? Singapore (Hey! I was telling the truth! I'm not a local student and I did study in Singapore) So do you know Jesus? I'm a Christian (Or do you NOT recognise a crucifix when you see one? It's hanging around my neck for heavens sakes!) And which church do you go to in Singapore? Holy Cross. Well I'm from the Sea Park Baptist Church, and I'm from *(--some group or other, I don't remember the name--)*. Well that's nice (Oh no!! She's a Baptist! Don't mention the word Catholic!). I'm also involved in my college's Christian society and I used to be on the commitee for my schools Catholic group (NO!!! I said the word Catholic!!! I'm dead meat!) Oh, so do you say prayers to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour? Er, well I obviously have to since I had to lead my own Christian society. (I mean, no I don't have to accept Jesus in order to help other people believe in him, is that what you are trying to say?) And so you studied about Jesus all your life? Er, yeah... since I was born (HELLO??? I'm a Catholic! Cathechism classes are serious business in the Catholic Church! We've been brought up on a strict diet of Catholic rules since the day we were born!) So when did you accept Jesus? When? I can't exactly say when! It's not something that happens at a moments notice. Well, you know alot of Christians don't really accept Jesus and *blah blah blah... please insert your own patronising words here pointing towards the fact that I am a unrepentant Christian who takes my religion for granted... blah blah blah* Oh, I'm sorry, I think my relative is here to pick me up. Gotta go. But thanks! And keep it up!
I quickly ran to my mum's car, and only when I got in did I realise: Damn! She conned me! She made me do a survey on SARS but ended up trying to convert me! Hello? That's cheating!!!
Look, I don't advocate mass conversion. I don't believe in going out there and pulling people to church. I think people should stop knocking on my door and waving the Bible at me and asking "When was the last time you met God?". I meet Him everyday, thank you very much! And if you really want to spread the word of God, its not going to come out clearly just by catching unfortunate victims on the street and preaching to them about your gracious Lord and saviour. No, it really doesn't work that way. I think the only way is to live your life in a normal but Christian way. Actions speak louder than words anyday. I remember a Sunday school teacher saying: people are attracted by our actions, not by how loud or long we preach. And I say Amen to that!

Cold

It feels cold
The night breeze rushes in
Running its cold fingers
Through my soul
But it can’t grasp it
Because my soul is
a thousand miles away
Where hot breezes blow
And night kisses never cease
But its just a mocking fantasy
I won’t go back, can’t go back
Though
It feels colder here…

(09/04/01)

It was really literally cold in Singapore. I lived in an air conditioned room and had to take baths without hot water on rainy days and after returning from training late at night. It's no fun having to take a cold bath and then trying to dry your hair in an air-conditioned room. Most nights I'd be so tired I'd just fall asleep, wet hair and all...

Yesterday my mother's old college friend commited suicide. She was the founder of the Petaling Jaya Community Centre, a place where I regularly go with my mum to discard old junk items that we no longer use. My mum's friend always somehow found a use for them, or else recycled them. I've only met her once or twice, but her absence has permeated my entire house. My parents old college mates are ringing non-stop and of course gossip is in the air as to the reason for suicide.
Suicide strikes a very real fear in me. No I've never attempted it, never even thought of it. But those dark form 2 days have left a scar on some of us that will never rub off, that will leave us cold everytime we hear of suicide, that will make us cynical everytime someone mentions they might try it, that will force us to try and forget the pain and fear we felt thinking it might happen, and the anger we felt in the end.
And at the end of the day... life is worth every minute of living it!

Rainbows (09/04/01)

Do you see rainbows?
Not me, not yet,
Not in this place…
Which has turned cold and grey
I know they exist
In some forgotten sphere
But the key to that realm
Have I consciously lost
In my struggle to remain cold and grey
Have I forgotten my soul?

I think I made a mistake. I thought yesterday was the 20th. I'm sorry Shaun. Here. I'll wish you again for a second time.
Happy Birthday Shaun - You Mad Monkey You!

ahem!

It's so hot today I believe heaven is having a baking spree. I'm already stripped down to a tank top and old school short... any less and I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. I used to do that in my single room in my hostel on sweltering hot afternoons until someone told me it's against the law to walk around undressed in your own home. Considering that the hostel wasn't really my 'home' and Singapore's obsession with fining people I decided it wasn't worth the risk.

Ode to Sylvia

Skies don’t turn blue on their own,
She said
I like to make mine
A brilliant shade of pink
I’m not indebted to traditional favour
I just don’t give a damn
What they think

I looked to the heavens
At its rosy hue
And shared with it a sorry sigh
Then the clouds moved in
And the rain conquered all…
… and all she could do was cry

Alas foolish one,
Skies are beyond our dreams
Con our souls not…
It’s the hard truth
And when it storms
Why turn your back on blue skies
They may prove the better
For you…

(27/03/01)

Sylvia was one of my first 3 room mates when I moved into Eton Hall (the desecrated hostel of evil, the dungeon of despair, the... sorry, got carried away). Since she was my only room mate who wasn't from China we hit off immediately. We were both Catholic, from girl schools and we even had the same Chinese names! But, Sylvia was different. Not just different from me, but a distinctly different person from the rest of the scholars at Eton. She was a part of the 30 scholars who were sent to St. Andrews Junior College (a BIG contrast to the teeny group that consisted of 9 'elite' Raffles scholars).
Ok, take it from me... surviving the ASEAN scholar ordeal isn't easy. If I had to publish a book on tips to surviving the nightmare that is junior college in Singapore it would run along the lines of...
Rule no. 1: Try to fit in. I don't mean become completely Singaporean, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Individualism isn't meant to be cultivated in Singapore (unless you're from RJ Humanities...)
Rule no. 2: Don't complain. Even if you think you deserve better, be happy with your lot and move on. Nobody cares about you alone... everything is for the good of the whole society. It's a utilitarian society here!
Rule no. 3: Don't break rules. This is the country of rules galore and challenging them will gurantee you a one way ticket home.
Sylvia broke all three rules and more, and her scholarship offer was withdrawn after 3 months on the grounds that she could not cope with life as a scholar. I agreed with them. I had pleaded with her to stop alienating her classmates and the St. Andrews scholars, to try and like her college, to stop going to the guys rooms and staying in there till after midnight, and to stop wishing she was in Raffles because all the glamour is not what it seems. I guess it was all useless when I came back from school one day to find a note on my table with Sylvia's last goodbye. But I know she's still keeping her chin up, maybe living in a world that is more accepting of individuals like her.