I've never been very good at making decisions. (Greg, if you're reading this you can stop laughing now!)

So... credit card or no credit card? Fixed line or prepaid handphone? Natwest or HSBC? Leather gloves or woolen? Curls or straight hair?

Somebody... help!

*rummages through last minute tasks pinned to grey brain cells*

Pick up bank drafts
Buy bits of forgetten stationary
Stuff shoes wherever they can fit
Tidy up my room
Select photos and keepsakes
Wait for phone calls from concerned friends... "Yes, I'll be fine... no I won't forget how important moisturisers are... I miss you guys too, but I'll be back *really* soon!"
Draw the curtains
Switch of the lights
Hug dewy, scrappy and floppy doo... they'll go into my back pack
Collect my bags
and board that plane

Countdown t = 2 days

Exciting isn't quite the word I'm looking for...

"We live as three beings in one, as does the mind, body and soul, so does the Father, Son and Holy Ghost"

I've come to realise what power the mind and soul has over the body. One February morning 2 years ago I woke up with an intense pain in my abdomen. I remember practically crawling down the 3 flights of stairs to the Eton Hall dining hall for breakfast, and then things got abit blurry. There was a flurry of people telling me not to go to school... someone called the matron... and most poignant of all I remember Anthony telling me that I could not possibly even think of going for my first ODAC Basic Training Camp which was that very day! I was rushed to the polyclinic only to be told by the doctor that I had a viral gastric flu, a nasty little thing that had been making its rounds. I protested to the doctor that I had been eating right (actually eating more than necessary) and I had been exercising tons (think: PT! PT! PT!) and he grinned and told me not to rule out emotional stress! And he was right! I was emotionally and mentally freaked out about BTC. I was so afraid of not being able to survive BTC that it could have been possible that I had made myself sick. (Losing my student card and stuff had NOTHING to do with my emotional stability at that time!)

Last night I recognised the signs of viral gastric flu again. As I tossed and turned in bad trying to coax the pain away, I started to wonder if I am either a) very susceptible to viral gastric flu since this is the third time it has happen or b) scared to death of the new life I'm about to become a part of in just a few days.

I said this before I left for Singapore and everyone laughed, but nothing has changed:

"I'm scared of meeting new people! Really, I am! I'm afraid they won't like me. I'm afraid I won't fit in! I'm afraid I'll fall short of expectations! I'm afraid of not finding good friends! I'm afraid of being left out and I'm afraid of the person I might become!"

But 4 years from now, I want to be able to look back and say that it was a great adventure. Mind over matter...

I feel so completely assaulted! Today I was poked, pinched, prodded and plucked like the kampung chickens at the market... and I swear after the beautician was through with me I made a sacred vow to myself to never ever allow even the tiniest pore on my face to become clogged... lest my mummy drags me to a beautician again to have every blemish on my face removed. If just going through a routine facial is THIS agonising, I cannot imagine what kind of horror genre plastic surgery falls under. I think I nearly reached a state of nirvana while silently meditating "No beauty without pain..." and trying not to pass out.

Isn't it funny how loneliness can become so poignant, the more company you see? Everyone's crowding around me, but when I reach out my hand, the one I want to hold on to isn't there and I feel it even more. Words provide some comfort. The sound of a voice helps to bridge the distance. But ultimately... he's not there. And I think I'm numb to it, until I walk past other happy couples, and then the sound of silence seems so loud, the void so tangible... I want to scowl at all those couples, and scream and say "It's not fair! I hate you for being together! For being physically together! You can hug him! You can kiss her! And you can look each other in the eye and read the expressions on their face! And you don't know how much all that means... until it's taken away! ".

I'm so bored, I'm gonna answer friday fives in the wee hours of wednesday morning!

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?
I assume it's the same. God forbid there should be an extra L or a T less somewhere. But it doesn't really matter how my name is spelt does it? Malaysian Ignoramuses will still screw it up!

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?
I'd change my first name! Till now I cannot understand why anyone in their right mind would name their kid Charlotte! It's odd (well, in Malaysia it is), unfeminine and completely unromantic! If I had a choice I'd have a simple, no fuss name, that is pronounced the way it's spelt! But I have to admit, I do love my name when it becomes a good conversation piece (people sometimes take up to 10 minutes trying to get my name right) and when teachers avoid calling on me in class because its embarassing not being able to pronounce my name!
I like my surname though. It's rare! And it's a funny name. I like my Chinese name. I usually get less "Say your name again, can?" when I introduce myself as Shu Chen.

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)
I am NOT named after the basketball team. I was named after the English author, Charlotte Bronte in the hope that I would evolve into the strong willed and determined heroines in all her books. I'm utterly convinced that they all led bitter, depressing lives full of unrequited love (except at the end which always has some happy but tragic conclusion).

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?
*cough* Any names I hate? *cough* That would be politically incorrect of me. Names I love? If you're a nice person I like your name (unless you are xiaokai).

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com / triggur.org / astroexpert accurate? How or how isn't it?
No it isn't. And it sucks!


Speaking of names, this reminds me of a really hilarious story I heard. You see, in the old days, when a child was born in a kampung, naturally the parents would go to the Birth Registry to obtain the oh-so-important birth certificate. They would tell the counter guy the kid's carefully chosen name and the counter guy would write it down and do the necessary slow official procedures. Well, a friend of my friend's friend (we all have one of those, don't we?) was given the name Burunthiran by his proud parents. Being the responsible parents they were, they went to the Birth registry to record the birth of one more Malaysian... and in that joyous occasion, the counter guy printed the name Bulan Terang (Bright Moon) on the kid's birth certificate! Now it'd have been an awfully poetic name, if the poor Indian kid didn't happen to be as dark as night! (Must be related to Jere!).

--------------------------------------------

Countdown t = 8 days
Weight of baggage is now equivalent to that of baby elephant!

The Lizzie Mcguire Movie Official Website has a banner at the bottom that says:
PARENTAL GUIDANCE SUGGESTED
Some Material May Be Inappropriate for Children

Huh?

Song in my head:
You're the one that I want
Ooh ooh ooh, honey
The one that I want
Ooh ooh ooh, honey
(repeat ad infinitum, ad nauseum)

Finally watched Grease, which has been on my must watch list for a decade. I now realise my high school days were relatively boring. JC days were more exciting, but if I had to sterotype my high school self, I'd come under the classification of nerd!

Question. How come romantic summer flings never happen in real life?

**Hums to self**
Summer fling don't mean a thing
But uh-oh those summer nights...

My life as an engineer is starting to look bleak. What's even more demoralising is the fact that this was sent to me by an engineer, very much acknowledging the fact so:

==========================================
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

****************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

******************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's! so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact myophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


**********************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

******************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*******************************************************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

***********************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

***********************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!

===============================================================

Oosh! Everyone's leaving again. Phones are a-ringing, friends are a-calling and then friends are a-leaving. Does anyone ever feel that everyone is making promises we're never going to keep?

On Thursday I said : "Sure, I'll send her off"
On Friday its : "I don't think I can make it"
On Saturday its : "I promise if I don't send you off, I'll use the 50 ringgit it takes to get to KLIA to visit you in Sheffield... at least once!"

The guilty feelings start to form, but I'm still sitting here doing nothing about it.

---------------------------

Countdown t=12 days
It's like counting down to Christmas, but without knowing whats beyond the horizon.

One bitch is all you need to mess up your day. Wait, not just my day... my entire spotless driving track record! At this very moment, lying on the dining table is a ticket for illegal parking that is pending judgement (my mum isn't home yet). So I double parked behind her dimunitive white kancil. She could have horned! She could have asked the security guards to get my attention. But NO! Being the bitch she is, she gets an MPPJ officer to stick a ticket beneath my windscreen wipers with a fine of RM50 which I most likely will never pay.

But to be entirely honest... I would have done the same thing.
But I would have horned first.

I'm back. Back from the land that produced Asam Laksa. God bless Penang!

Everytime I go back to Penang, I feel like I've just stepped 20 years back in time. The whole illusion is assisted by the fact that I stay in my grandparent's old mansion which has a main facade that hasn't changed since colonial times. Trishaw pullers still try to run you over when you step out of your gates into the chaotic 'pasar' that is Georgetown. I like the fact that the roads still have names like Cantonment Road or Vermont Road or Bangkok Lane, like each one has a story to tell unlike the impersonal 'Jalan SS3/88' and so on. I find it so cute that they still use manual parking ticket systems (i.e. parking attendants with the carbon copy tickets) and that their newest shopping malls are comparable to Sungai Wang Plaza and don't have directories on every floor.

I think this is what happens when Cosmopolitan KL girls travel out of the city.

Reasons why life is good:

1. I'm getting 3 free lunches in 3 days! (Wed: Secret Recipe Lunch on Li Ling, Thurs: Lobster Lunch on lovely department supervisors and American visitor with limitless credit card, Fri: Department lunch some where expensive on big big boss from Motorola America)
2. On your last day of work, everyone is incredibly nice to you and instantly forgets that you took leave to visit your boyfriend on the day when they needed you most!
3. Boss told me to write own recommendation letter, and didn't even bother to correct all egotistical and immodest self praises
4. Discovered lovely lovely P2P telephony (Skype) so can make free phonecalls to mummy, boyfriend and friends anywhere in the world on very clear connections thus saving on many many IDD cards. But first must convince mummy that broadband is really worth it.

-----------------------------------

Countdown: t = 20 days
I haven't packed! I haven't packed! I haven't packed!
And tommorow I am heading up to the Pearl of the Orient (Penang lah!) to visit grandpa and grandma and get my last fill of the BEST Malaysian food!
I'll be back on Wednesday. Promise to attend all gatherings, free lunches and mamak sessions after that!

----------------------------------

[very belated edit]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUN LING!!! *Hugs* I'm so glad you can't be angry with me long over something small like forgetting your birthday... ok, I'm kidding!

As requested by Jason, I'm passing this on:

The Boy Who Cried Iraq

I'm really looking for trouble but I'll go ahead with this anyway:

ANU BABU!!! NAH! I SCANNED THE SWENSONS PHOTO AFTER A MONTH OF LISTENING TO YOUR SCOLDINGS OF PANDI KUTTY AND MONKEYS AND PIGS! JUST FOR TWO PHOTOS? WELL SINCE YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR, GO AHEAD AND CLICK ON THE "Highlights and Lowlights of 2003" LINK! GEEZ... I SHOULD HAVE KEPT THE PHOTOS EVEN LONGER AND GIVEN THEM TO YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY NEXT YEAR SINCE YOU WANTED TO SEE THEM SO DESPERATELY

S.W.A.T. : A verdict
Even cops dial 911. I wonder why.
So much for a movie about the Special Weapons and Tactics branch of the American Police Force (which has never been impressive since the emergence of NYPD blue and the significance of doughnuts). Special weapons? Sorry, I come from a culture that has been desensitized by Pierce Brosnan's James Bond and Terminator 3, so I remain unfazed. (Besides here in the orient we have our own special weapon. We call it Jacky Chan). And special tactics? The only special tactic this movie had was featuring the delectable Colin Farrell. However, to be perfectly honest I cannot really judge the tactics in this movie because halfway through I fell asleep. This is essentially a guy movie. I am essentially all girl!

Pirates of the Carribean: A verdict
Pirates can be summed up in one word: Johnny Depp. Oops, that's two words.
Johnny Depp's Captain (that's an important title, don't forget it!) Jack Sparrow stirs the Wendy Darling (or John or Michael if you insist) in anyone who's willing to let your imagination soar for approximately 2 hours and play pretend. It doesn't matter that Orlando Bloom doesn't know any better and can only look pretty, it doesn't matter that Keira Knightly looks and sounds too 21st century to be believable. All that matters is Johnny Depp (and a spectacular Geoffrey Rush) and the replacement of the usual swearing sailor's parrot with a ghoulish monkey.